A talking robotic version of Donald Trump will, in fact, join the rest of the U.S. presidents at Walt Disney World Resort’s animatronic exhibit in Orlando, Fla., according to the Mouse House.
Hello Disney World! Super excited to be a robot here in the Hall of Presidents. I am the best robot; I passed the Turing test bigly, and I’ve got my lawyers looking for some wiggle room with those Three Laws of Robotics. But some of these other animatronics? Not looking so great. Low energy Lincoln has barely gotten out of that chair in 40 years. Sad, or at least it would be if I were capable of human emotions! And don’t get me started on Robobama. Some people say he wasn’t even manufactured in the United States. Why won’t he show us his serial number?
I’m a big fan of Walt Disney: rich, loved to put his name on everything, questionable ties to the Alt-Right. But folks, there are going to be some changes around here now that I’m the robot president. First off, we’re going to build a wall around It’s a Small World. There are puppets in there from countries I’ve never heard of, singing in languages that are probably Mexican. We’re going to build a wall, and we’re gonna make whoever wrote that goddamn song pay for it.
Next, Cinderella’s castle looks like it’s from the dark ages. It’s coming down, and we’re gonna put up Trump Castle, a hugely classy skyscraper, casino, and steakhouse. It’s going to be a place where dreams come true, especially if your dreams involve continental breakfast with the topless Disney princess of your choice.
Pirates of the Caribbean? Not on my watch. We’re going to be so violent and vicious cleaning up those pirates, and we’re going to keep the doubloons for ourselves. I’m gonna send in Buzz Lightyear. I’m gonna send in Gaston. I’m gonna send in Harry Potter. What’s that? We don’t own Harry Potter? We’re going to, buLIEVE me. We’re gonna have all the best wizards.
And it’s a disgrace that the monorail only has one measly rail while the trains in China have two. I’m getting three new rails added tomorrow. The guy who wrote “It’s a Small World” will pay for that too.
[Animatronic Trump picks up a phone and tweets something with a tiny robotic finger. We hear muffled chimes from the pocket of animatronic Bill Clinton, who sighs.]
Dwarves, I’m going to get the mine running again. Dumbo, I’ll get the FAA to deregulate our airspace. Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride is coming back, and other kinds of amphibians are going to open even wilder rides. I’ve got robot Rudy Giuliani reaching out to the amphibian community right now.
Now folks, there is some Pinocchio-y news going around about how I may have been secretly hacked and reprogrammed by the Moscow-based amusement park, Comrade Stalin’s Wonderland. It’s totally wrong, which is why I had to revoke Goofy’s press pass. But if we DID have a better relationship with Comrade Stalin’s Wonderland, would that be so bad? We could bring in their awesome mascot, Vladimir Newtin. I’m going to send Donald to work on a deal. The duck, not me. I’d go but I’m welded to the floor.
Folks, you’re going to have so much childlike wonder you won’t know what to do with it. I’m going to replace the water at Splash Mountain with Perrier, I’m going to stock the Haunted Mansion with real dead bodies, and I’m going to get robo-married to the blonde from Frozen. And all those Mickey ears you guys are wearing? Not red enough, we’re gonna fix that. Hey, I only was activated a few days ago and already the lines around here are getting shorter, so you’re welcome.
Okay, that’s it people. We’re going to be holding a rally later at the Country Bears Jamboree. Everybody’s welcome to attend, except for those eggheads from Tomorrowland and any characters from Aladdin.