In this new series, our mascot Otis will answer some of the most pressing questions raised in pop music.

Q: Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango? – Queen

A: As we all know from our teenage years of binge-watching Commedia del Arte every Saturday night, Scaramouche is unscrupulous, vainglorious, and cowardly. But he’s also cunning, which is why he certainly does not use Fandango.

The data-analysis gurus at 538 proved that Fandango rounds up its movie rankings to the nearest half-star, so that even bombs end up looking respectable. And now that Rotten Tomatoes is owned by Fandango, your best bet might be to rely on Metacritic for all your media rating aggregation needs. It’s what Scaramouche would do. – Otis

Q: Do you remember, the 21st night of September? –Earth, Wind & Fire

A: Of course I remembered Bill Murray and Stephen King‘s birthdays! In the era of automatic Facebook birthday reminders, I find that taking the effort to memorize the birthdate of friends, acquaintances, and celebrities is a thoughtful gesture that never goes unnoticed. Want to really stand out from the pack of social media well-wishers? Skip the pro forma Facebook wall post or tweet and opt for a hand written note in a tasteful card. Just make sure you get to the post office today, so that it gets to Bill and Stephen by the 21st! –Otis

Q: Do you need some time…on your own? Do you need some time… all alone?-Guns ‘N’ Roses

A: I do, so I’d really appreciate it if you respect my wishes and give my space.

Q: But, don’t ya think that you need somebody? Don’t ya think that you need someone?

A: What did I just say? I’m at work right now, and this is a hardly an appropriate place to work this out. I’m going to ignore these questions, and get back to dispensing advice to pop songs who might actually listen to me.

Q: TURN DOWN FOR WHAT? – DJ Snake and Lil Jon

A: Getting turnt up is truly one of life’s greatest pleasures. Indeed, it is difficult to imagine a universally valid reason to turn down. However we do not live only for ourselves. There come times when even though you may be turnt all the way to an 11, you need to turn down to accommodate the needs of a loved one, friend, or neighbor. Or perhaps, you may find that there are some locations where being a responsible citizen requires that you turn down, at least to some extent. Maybe, just maybe, you may find that there are some times in a day, where you yourself want to turn down to rest, recharge, and reflect, before getting turnt up all over again.

To succinctly summarize, you are asking precisely the wrong question. What we really need to know is TURN DOWN FOR WHOM? TURN DOWN FOR WHERE? TURN DOWN FOR WHEN? – Otis

Have more questions for Otis from the lyrics of pop songs? Let us know in the comments!