Ah, Memorial Day. Do you remember (see what I did there?) when it was the start of the summer movie season, which now begins sometime the previous fall? (Just like the US Presidential race. And also like the US Presidentail race, we invariably end up disappointed.) What better way to celebrate this outdated annual cinematic milestone than to launch Overthinking It’s own annual cinematic milestone… Clichemageddon.
And like a franchise returning to its roots after veering too far afield, we return in 2012 to the fill-in-the-blank thrills you know and love. Here’s the rules: Devise the cleverest, meta-est, funniest versions of the dialogue and taglines below, either keeping in mind or subverting the expectations of the stated genre (mostly selected from this year’s summer releases).
Leave your entries in the comments before June 8, and the OTI staff will choose their favorites and crown winners and honorable mentions in a post to follow.
Clicheageddon 4: Genre-xtravaganza
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we __________. Not the hero we __________.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, __________. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code __________.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need ________, ________, and most importantly, ________.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you __________.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“__________ had life all figured out. That’s when __________ decided to __________ her a __________.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a __________.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the __________ place you __________.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen __________ for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re __________. They’re __________. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One __________. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only __________. But I don’t care. I’m __________.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that __________. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for __________, not for __________.”
Good luck! I just want you to know… we’re all counting on you.
He’s the hero we are stuck with. Not the hero we fell in love with and married all those years ago.
Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, we will be drowned in Mountain Dew. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Red.
If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need a plan, a crew, and most importantly, lots and lots of hostages.
I’ve loved you ever since the day you let me pay for my heroin with sex.
Hannah had life all figured out. That’s when her father decided to tell her a secret: She’s a member of the Aryan Race.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a swastika.
Sometimes love is the second place you look. Sometimes the third. Occasionally the fourth. Never the fifth. The sixth blows hot and cold. Never checked the data on the seventh.
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen are providing free taxidermy for each other.
They’re good drivers. They’re able to control their emotions. And they’re ladies!
One corpse. One copse. And a whooooole lot of laughs.
I know we’re only freelance dentists. But I don’t care. I’m going to perform this root canal for Kate Middleton.
Many years ago, there was a prophesy that a child would be born and she would be the world’s greatest cupcake maker. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for creating delicious treats, not for generating another reality show about making god damn cupcakes.
And… scene!
Brilliant!
I feel like your Superhero entry could actually be a pretty thoughtful movie. The Middlebrow Rom-Com and Bonus Round entries were just hilarious. :)
The Presidentail race always leaves me disappointed. Palin and Ferraro have been the only ones even bothering to complete…
He’s the hero we didn’t want last time. Not the hero we want now either.
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, all digital music and videos will cease to render. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Codec.”
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need Plan A, Plan B for when Plan A fails, and most importantly, Plan C, which is really the original plan, because we want Plans A and B to fail.”
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you got that expensive make-over.”
“Tycoon Olivia Dallas had life all figured out. That’s when the universe decided to give her a fatal heart attack … and an heir.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a mourning suit and a mischievous smirk.]
Sometimes love is the only place you remember how to leave.
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen attempt suicide for each other.
They’re alcoholics who need serious help. They’re in rehab to turn their lives around. And they’re ladies!
“One corpse. One reality TV show. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
“I know we’re only bullies in middle school. But I don’t care. I’m going pro.”
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that said “this prophecy is false”. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for internal consistency, not for plotline-shattering paradoxes.”
I’m so good at this.
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the SPIRIT OF VENGENCE we have. Not the Avengers we deserve.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, the SPIRIT OF VENGENCE hits the theatres. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code BLACK LEATHER WITH FLAMES.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need a SPIRIT OF VENGENCE, NICHOLAS CAGE, and most importantly, A BUDGET.”
Nicholas Cage Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you showed me how to CONTROL THIS SATANIOUS POWER.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Violante Placido had life all figured out. That’s when Satan decided to imbue her a SPIRIT OF VENGENCE.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a flaming skull.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the SPIRIT OF VENGENCE place you FLAME ON.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen VENGENCE for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re NICHOLAS CAGE. They’re THE SPIRIT OF VENGENCE. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One SPIRIT OF VENGENCE. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only THE SPIRITS OF VENGENCE. But I don’t care. I’m NICHOLAS CAGE.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that NICHOLAS CAGE WOULD PLAY THE SPIRIT OF VENGENCE. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for VENGENCE, not for PAYING OFF YOU’RE DEBT.”
> PAYING OFF YOU’RE DEBT
> YOU’RE
This is what happens when you do this entire thing in a normal manner, then decided to spam NICHOLAS CAGE AND THE SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE.
Also fun fact, Canadian language settings thinks “vengence” is the correct spelling of the word.
I would watch ALL OF THESE.
Skab, you have the key to my heart.
Ten extra points for “satanious.” Excuse me, “SATANIOUS.”
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, bam! Zoom! Straight to the moon! Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Gleason.”
Point of parliamentary inquiry: Are we limited to one entry per cliché, or is it acceptable to provide two entries for a given prompt?
Alright, here goes, one entry per prompt:
– He’s the hero we made on our kitchen counter nine months ago. Not the hero we ate for lunch yesterday. Although I suppose with the right seasoning…
– “Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, I won’t love myself anymore. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Codependency.”
– “If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need a deus, an ex, and most importantly, a machina.”
– “I’ve loved you ever since the day you built a device to block out the sun.”
– “Rosalind Franklin had life all figured out. That’s when Jim Watson decided to deny her authorship.” [Record scratch!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a Nobel medal.]
– Sometimes love is the blowup doll they replace you with.
– This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen buy Plan B for each other.
– They’re ’80s. They’re tradees. And they’re ladies!
– One corpse. One clown car. And a whooooole lot of laughs!
– “I know we’re only newly acquainted, and as such it may not seem prudent for me to pursue you so assertively. But I don’t care. I’m giving you my telephone number. So, call me, maybe?” (… With apologies to Fenzel)
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that a deaf-blind girl would overcome her physical challenges to fight for the powerless and inspire millions. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for derogatory and abusive punchlines, not for social justice.”
Apology accepted.
And big-budget Michael Bay Hellen Keller movie greenlit. At least we know the soundtrack will be significantly less cacophonous.
One more, since I see others have begun to provide multiple entries:
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, the whole world will go blind. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code of Hammurabi. Or just scramble the porn that the aliens are forcing onto our computer screens.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation: “I’ve loved you ever since the day you were conceived. Or two weeks prior to that in Arizona.”
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we were told by marketers to watch this summer. Not the hero who we actually know anything about or have even heard of.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, every human on earth will have turned into Will Smith. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code That Beautiful Orangey Red Color You See During A Perfect Sunset At The End of Summer.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need fifteen handsome actors, a totally ridiculous plan that’s difficult for the viewer to follow, and most importantly, forty three koalas wearing tiny tuxedoes”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you were in that JC Penny ad in that magazine in my dentist’s office and I decided I was in love with you.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Al Pacino had life all figured out. That’s when he was cast in a movie where Adam Sandler played a woman and Al had to pretend to find her attractive.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a dress and a wig playing “Jill”.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the quiet place in the conversation where you stop yelling and start making out.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen serve as defense attorneys for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re wearing pants. They’re demanding the right to vote. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One vaguely ethnic older woman hitting on a dead guy. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only spoiled white twenty somethings. But I don’t care. I’m going to keep pretending everything about my life is unique, dramatic and poignant. Poignant, damn it!.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that all summer movies would be hackneyed, middlebrow crap. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for buying well researched books about Lincoln and his complicated feelings about slavery and race, not for buying tickets to a movie that panders to a somewhat tiresome zombie fad.”
‘forty three koalas wearing tiny tuxedoes’ – a million times this.
Which reminds me, my “upright six-string koala” is not a blatant rip off of your joke, it is an inside joke within my family.
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we have franchise rights to. Not the hero you care about.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, Total Tube Cloggage. Mr. President, I suggest we go to CoDeeN.” [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CoDeeN]
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need panache, an upright six string koala, and most importantly, [Cut to next Scene].”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you made that sexy, sexy podcast. I brought friends”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Dannie the coat maker had life all figured out. That’s when Rubiks decided to kidnap her to a room full of bear-traps.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a pig mask and an apron with a drill.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the nice place you trashed one drunken night and have been trying to pay off ever since..
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen make millions for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re here. They’re queer. And they’re ladies! [gotta stretch for the male market segment]
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One Tim Burton/Johnny Depp collaboration. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only doing this to get past the ratings board. But I don’t care. I’m only willing to see you naked from the waist up.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that one man would have the sexiest voice of all time. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for getting laid, not for narrating trailers, trust me on this one.”
I don’t know how the judging goes, but hey, more laughs for all (at the small risk of stealing a later commenter’s thunder)!
“He’s the hero we should aspire to be. Not the hero we will ever benefit from.” From the makers of the Atlas Shrugged tetralogy: The Passion of John Galt.
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, Total Extrapolation Failure. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Euler.” Undead Reckoning [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_reckoning]
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need intention to act, a conceptualization of the desired results, and most importantly, bodily movement guided by the agent.” Action Movie [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Action_theory_(philosophy)]
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you will be.” Koan II: The Awakening
“Sidney Gautama had life all figured out. That’s when the fundamental nature of the universe decided to reveal to her a life of endless suffering.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing an orange robe.] Koan
“Sometimes love is the place you.” Koan III: This Time it’s Personal
“This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen revolution for each other.” Zappy and Poncho
“They’re bunker is over they’re. And they’re ladies!” Axese and Allys: Fall of the Grammar Nazis.
“One corpse. One corpse. Two corpse. Three corpse. Five corpse. And a whooooole lot of laughs!” The FibiNazi Sequence
“I know we’re only two weeks into this philosophy class. But I don’t care. I’m the only person that I can rationally conclude exists in this world and so only my opinions matter.” Sophist in Seattle
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that a small circle of friends would use their flair for the pedantic and insightful to revolutionize popular discourse. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for entertaining the faceless masses, not for picking up chicks, but if you can swing both, go for it.” Putting on the Meat Dress
I guess I can’t pretend I don’t enjoy bringing a Well, Actually, but isn’t it Solipsist in Seattle? Not that I wouldn’t watch it.
I appear to be unable to correctly name Solipsism, even when I actually pull up the Wikipedia page to double check myself, I still right Sophism for no good reason. Good Catch.
(Makes note in little black book)
I’m sure Plato could give you a good reason why that was all the Sophists’ fault.
Agreed, damn the Sophists, and the Bourgeoisie.
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we like. Not the hero we LIKE like.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, all of the major U.S. cities will be destroyed. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Yellow, because I already have.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need focus, finesse, and most importantly, friendship.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you met me, and I, you.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Eve had life all figured out. That’s when God decided to send her a companion.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a fig leaf and Crocs.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the last place you expect to find love.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen know how they know they are gay for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re hungover. They’re in Thailand. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One iPad. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only acquaintances and we never speak outside of the office. But I don’t care. I’m making you my son’s godfather.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that said only one man could make more money at the box office than all the other filmmakers combined. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for bigger explosions, juvenile humor, and cooler 3-D special effects, not for plot coherency, characterization, or subtle nuances.”
So basically your Auteurish is Tony Blair and Rupert Murdoch as they would have us see it.
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we have. Not the hero we elected.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, our inability to use sensible and apposite units like days will be completely lost. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Binary.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need a doppelganger of every member of the team, one additional Julia Roberts lookalike, and most importantly, pep and verve.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you ‘sanded my boat’.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“A generic and effectively unimportant woman had life all figured out. That’s when the Doctor Who fandom decided to make her a cosplayer. Also a man.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a Fez.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the secret place you scour in the darknet, in the depths of night, hoping never to be caught.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen finally learn to act for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re funny. They’re offended that you’ll be surprised by the next sentence. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One additional corpse – making a sum total of two corpses. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only the first people on Europa. But I don’t care. I’m going swimming.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophecy that prophecies would pass away. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for now, not for prophesying things that may or may not come to pass millennia from now, assuming that the prophecies are correctly recorded, because the number of times civilisation has been wiped out by a seeming chosen one, well, anyway, short-term, keep it short-term, that’s what I’m saying.”
This was a really fun distraction, thanks!
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we invoiced you for. Not the hero we put in the post.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, Cockney Armageddon. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Statham.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need warm milk, onesies, and most importantly, a nap.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you reproduced parthenogenetically.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Jason Statham had life all figured out. That’s when Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decided to get her a Saddam Hussein-style doppelganger.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a flowery hat.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the dinner place you compulsively set every day for your dead mother.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen schedule conflicting appointments for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re ovulating. They’re wearing blouses, skirts and I presume bras. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One Castle Grayskull playset in mint condition circa 1986. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only funk-rock bassists. But I don’t care. I’m going to adopt that leopard.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that the spending habits of the middle classes would drift toward artisanally produced homewares. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for glassblowing, not for balloon inflation.”
I like the phrase “Cockney Armageddon,” because it could just as well imply Armageddon via Cockneys as it could imply it for Cockneys.
That will be the puzzle for the viewer to decipher, one that I think could very well be debated for film afficionados for decades.
HOUSE ARREST (Happy Madison Comedy)
_Aung San Suu Kyi_ had life all figured out. That’s when __the military junta ruling Myanmar__ decided to __shake things up by giving__ her a __sentence of HOUSE ARREST__. [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a _bathing cap and speedos as he swims across Lake Inya to rescue her_.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the _cause of that rash in the_ place you _used to urinate from_.
[Seriously, is there a movie that recycled the Rumsfeld cliche, “you go to war with the Army you’ve got, not the Army you wish to have at a later time”?? Or was he paraphrasing some earlier source? I wish this had remained one of the “unknown unknowns.”]
Superhero Movie:
He’s the hero give a damn about. Not the hero we are currently watching a film about.
Aliens Attack the Earth:
Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, everything will be back to normal. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code, errrr, White, I guess.
Heist movie.
If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need president masks, shotguns and most importantly surfing.
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation:
I’ve loved you ever since the day you removed my blindfold and showed me the token kindness needed for Stockholm Syndrome to take effect.
Happy Madison Comedy
Middlebrow Rom-Com
Aptovian Bromance:
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan both phone it in for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmains Clone:
They’re here. They’re queer. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone:
One corpse. One trail of other corpses stretching most of the way across the country. And a whooooooooole lot of laughs.
Twee Auterish Unclassifiable Movie:
I know we’re only cowering in this cellar because of the serial rapist stalking the house above while zombies scour the streets and a lethal plague kills of humanity as the aliens prepare their attack. But I don’t care. I’m utterly incapable of accurately assessing danger.
Bonus Round:
Many years ago, there was a prophesy that someone would have a great gift for prophesy. Now all the signs say its coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for actually making useful prophecies, goddamnit, not for just prophesising the next prophet.
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we settled for. Not the hero we tried to contact first.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, they’ll have wiped our minds and records of thousands of years of human knowledge. Mr. President, if there is any hope of rebuilding, I suggest we go to CodeX.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need heart, determination, and most importantly, a team of highly skilled professionals with an arsenal of advanced technology.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you jumped off that boat chasing the love letter you wrote to remind me of that time we kissed in the rain even though I told you we were too different to fall in love after I nursed you back to health when your fall from your horse gave you temporary amnesia. Want to go walk along the beach?”
Happy Madison Comedy (I feel like this one is just about playing Mad Libs)
“Quirky but driven baker Amy had life all figured out. That’s when her brother’s pen pal, competitive cup stacker Nikolai, decided to visit and show her what her life was missing.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a traditional Russian costume holding a Matryoshka doll in front of a giant tower of stacked cups.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline (Just That Easy)
Sometimes love is the first thing you find in the place you most expected.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen find lost objects for each other.
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only waifish, maladjusted, socially awkward teenagers. But I don’t care. I’m going to travel across the country cataloguing tea houses.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that the chosen one would come and then doubt that he was the chosen one. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for convincing him to follow his destiny, not for solving the problem yourself even though you appear equally capable.”
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we smelt. Not the hero we dealt.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, we all fall down. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Hokey Pokey.”
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that -French Kissed.- Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for -Flatulence,- not for -Donuts.-” – MAD LIBS: THE MOVIE
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we woke with. Not the hero we met at the bar last night.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, well… really nothing much has changed. Kind of boring really. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Beige.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need pizazz, showmanship, and most importantly, jazz hands.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you stepped on my oversized clown shoes.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Madeline Albright had life all figured out. That’s when President Ahmadinejad decided to throw her a surprise makeover.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a blue political power skirt-suit.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the on the other side of the prison block from the place you will spend the next 10 to 20.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen pine for each other. (title “Timber!!!)
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re part man. They’re part machine. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One helium ballon. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only 3 inexplicable successful animated chipmunks. But I don’t care. I’m making a forth sequel with or without you.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that time would be wasted at work on a prize-free internet contest. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for contributing to the comments board, not for competing the reports for the Jones account.”
Love your Superhero and Heist movie entries. Everything could use a little jazz hands. Even doing the reports for the Jones account. :)
It’s like shooting low hanging fruit in a barrel…
Heist Movie:
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need ludicrously improbable stunts, impossibly huge computer-generated explosions, and most importantly, an audience too stupid to even see, much less question, the gaping plot holes and unnecessarily complicated scheme.”
“He’s the hero we will have deserved. Not the hero we had been going to need.” James Franco is The Conjugator
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you ripped the heart from my chest and set it on fire.” Channing Tatum and Sir Ben Kingsley in Kali Ma
“Clarice had life all figured out. That’s when Billy Lecter invited her to dinner.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to shot of Adam Sandler wearing a woman-skin suit and giggling “it puts the lotion on its skin.”]
“One corpse. One economy-class ticket. And a whooooole lot of laughs!” Samuel L. Jackson in Dead Guy on a Plane
“They’re legends. They’re dangerous. And they’re ladies!”
Jolie, Winfrey, Mirren
Fonda, Weaver, Grier
The Expendababes
Hamilton, Thurman, Jovovich
Lawless, Swank, Yeoh
…
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we admire for his awesome sideburns. Not the hero we admire for his awesome power.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, this Beard will cover New Jersey. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code ZZ Top.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need Wigs, Hats, and most importantly, Beards.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you Shaved you goatee.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Tash had life all figured out. That’s when Omar decided to _Make her a Suicide Bomber.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a False beard and rag on head in offensive Arab stereo type.
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the found in place you Lost your Razor.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen Don’t Shavefor each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re Bad. They’re Bearded. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One Beard. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only Five. But I don’t care. I’m Growing a Beard_.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that _Freddie Kruger and Edward Scissorhands would open a salon_. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for _ Male Grooming _, not for _Slaughtering sexy sleeping teens_________.”
Nice! Let’s give it a shot. I omitted a few ones I had no inspiration for.
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we thought was played by Tobey Maguire. Not the hero we saw in ‘The Social Network’.
Aliens Attack the Earth: ‘Killer Rabbits from Outer Space’
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, millions of killer rabbits will have invaded the country. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Fleet Foxes.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need a blank, undecisive young male protagonist, a lingerie model with no acting skills, and most importantly, racially offensive tiny robots for comic relief.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day your Camaro turned out to be a giant talking robot, trying to save the planet from other giant robots.”
Happy Madison Comedy: ‘Disaster in Chief’
“Michelle Obama had life all figured out. That’s when America decided to give her a brand new Commander in Chief.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a blue suit and tie in front of the presidential seal, preparing a speech; grinning sheepishly.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline: ‘The Fireplace II: Rekindle The Flame’
Sometimes love is the fireplace you liked so much when you first bought the apartment but never end up using.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline: ‘The Spandexpendables’
They’re armed and dangerous. They’re dressed for aerobics. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]: National Lampoon’s Human Centipede.
“One corpse. One group of unfortunate hostages being stapled to it ass to mouth. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie: Every Wes Anderson flick ever
“I know we’re only A-list actors dressed in animal suits stuck in a nigh-plotless movie. But I don’t care. I’m running in slo-mo to a David Bowie soundtrack all day if I have to.”
Superhero Movie
“He’s the hero we f***. Not the hero we marry or kill.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you were diagnosed with the same rare cancer my daddy had.”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only fifteen. But I don’t care. I’m singing “Sixteen Going on Seventeen” as my audition song.”
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that the world would end in 2012. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for good, not… for crying out loud, not this again?!”
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we rolled up one drunken evening. Not the hero we min-maxed using third party sourcebooks.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, slown back down to a crawl. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code a progress bar that actually makes sense when we copy large files.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need someone the audience can instantly root against with something desirable, a protagonist who has a poorly thought out reason that he needs to take it, and most importantly, more money to buy all the equipment than we could ever possibly get back in profit.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you started snarking at cliche, predictable Nicholas Sparks adaptations with me.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Caster Semenya had life all figured out. That’s when the International Association of Athletic Federations decided to give her a ‘confidential’ gender test.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a lab coat and IAAF badge.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the hopeless place you heard Rihanna sing about after the best buildBuildBUILD and drop of 2011.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen write increasingly played out stoner jokes for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re Dee Kantner and Violet Palmer. They’re NBA referees. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One slow Ken Burns zoom over soft fiddle music. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only emoticons. But I don’t care. I’m the only way to judge tone over text messages. :)”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that three dimensions would dominate the movie theaters. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for zany, in your face gags, not for boring, Pixar-esque depth and detail.”
Superhero Movie:
He’s the hero we now stalk. Not the hero we used to stalk before this movie came out.
Heist movie:
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need Good Looking Guy A, Good Looking Guy B, and most importantly, cast of Good Looking Guys C-H but not as Good Looking as A & B.”
Every Summer Movie Ever:
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that there would be G.J. Joe 2 movie during the summer. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for putting out the movie when promised, not for pulling it at the last second to convert it to 3D.”
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we though we were sending explicit twit-pics to. Not the hero we actually sent them to.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, our projection model fails because we threw this thing together at the last minute. Mr. President, I suggest we go to code monkeys.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need grit, determination, and most importantly, a whole lotta lube.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you died.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Holly Gennaro had life all figured out. That’s when her estranged husband John decided to go to her office Christmas party.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a sexy beard.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the seedy place you end up at after a night of cruising.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen smoke crack for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re overcoming centuries of institutionalized discrimination. They’re starship captains. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone
“One corpse. One unethical male nurse named Buck. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only starship captains. But I don’t care. I’m gonna go ask that guy out.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that people would learn to spell the word ‘prophecy’ correctly. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for humor, not for pedantry.”
He’s the hero we imagined. Not the hero we ate for supper.
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, Sammy Hagar will release yet another novelty tequila. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Diamond David Lee Roth.”
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need brains, heart, and most importantly, vaginas.”
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you ate my grandpa while I watched, crying as you recited Keats and tore into Grandpa’s medulla oblongata.”
“Sour-Tits McGee had life all figured out. That’s when Satan and Graham Greene decided to mind-kidnap her a demon purse snatcher.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a sarong and geisha make-up.]
Sometimes love is the most moist place you slaughter a horse.
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen Anal-Rape Jesus for each other.
They’re from Cleveland. They’re alcoholic Scotsmen. And they’re ladies!
“One corpse. One Pultizer-Prize Winning Author Jon Meachum. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
“I know we’re only Satan’s Penis Whores. But I don’t care. I’m Michael Bolton.”
And finally, the bonus round:
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that one would arise who would fling his own poo at the Monkey Dragon Hybrid of Kaatmandu. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for poo-flinging, not for script-writing.”
Hey, this is my first OTI post so here it goes:
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we thought we’d be getting due the action-packed trailer. Not the hero we actually ended up paying eleven dollars to see.
Aliens attack the Earth:
“Here is the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, Father will force us all to eat vegetables. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Codename: Kids Next Door.”
Here is the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, XANA will take over all of the internet. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Lyoko.
Here is the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, they will have learned English. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Igpay Atinlay.
Heist movie:
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need several whole minutes of planning, a montage, and most importantly, money.”
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need a contrived plot device, a token babe, and most importantly, every employee to be absolutely horrendous at their job.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day your estranged parent developed cancer and told us we couldn’t be together, but you still wrote me love letters and eventually the power of true love made them see the error of their ways.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Maggie Sous was an out-of-work music teacher who thought she had life all figured out. That’s when her new employer decided to give her a job: teaching music to the deaf.” [RECORD SCRATCH!][Cut to a picture of Adam Sandler wearing a marching band uniform.] “This Summer, watch as Maggie has to face the music.”
“Maria was a mattress store employee who thought she had life all figured out. That’s when the handsome Mr. Corleone decided to make her an offer she couldn’t refuse.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a tuxedo.]
“Bonnie thought she had life all figured out. That’s when life decided to give her lemons.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a giant lemon costume] “This Summer watch Bonnie try to make lemonade.”
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is the last place you expect to find heartbreak.
Sometimes love is the bedroom of her place you attempt to talk your way into.
Sometimes love is the only place you can make pilgrimage to. (This Summer watch Christina Applegate as Mother Teresa of Cal-Cutie and Channing Tatum as Ma-Hot-ma Gandhi find true love)
Sometimes love is the best place you can start a revolution. (Starring James Franco as Che Guevara and Amanda Seyfried as a time-travelling Marie Antoinette who learn to conquer each others differences and appreciate each other; called Let Them Eat Che)
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen are two totally distinct white, middle-aged, out of date, slightly Jewish, quirky, most-likely stoned, lovable goofball protagonists who switch places to implausibly get the girl for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re in Victorian England. They’re struggling for suffrage. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One crash-test dummy. One mix-up at the funeral home. And a whooooole lot of laughs!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re not the main protagonists, and essentially disposable. But I don’t care. I’m going to check out the abandoned doll factory overlooking the Indian burial ground.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that summer would be the time companies would release new movies. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for more mediocre plot rehashes, not for truly life-changing cinematic masterpieces.”
*EDIT: Actually instead of babe
Heist movie:
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need a contrived plot device, a b-list actress, and most importantly, every employee to be absolutely horrendous at their jobs.”
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we got in the mail. Not the hero we paid $13 plus shipping for.
Aliens Attack the Earth
“Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, women everywhere will be pooping in sinks. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Lock Them In There So They Have to Face the Consequences of What they’ve Done.”
Heist movie
“If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need passion, intensity, and most importantly, a buttload of sequins.”
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation
“I’ve loved you ever since the day you killed my wife and put on her skin, hoping I wouldn’t notice.”
Happy Madison Comedy
“Heavy Weapons Guy had life all figured out. That’s when Scout decided to hit him with a bat.” [RECORD SCRATCH!] [Cut to picture of Adam Sandler wearing a baseball cap, dog tags, and finger gloves.]
Middlebrow Rom-Com tagline
Sometimes love is in the same place you left your keys.
[Cut to BEN AFFLECK frantically searching the living room of his expensive apartment. JENNIFER ANISTON pops up from under the couch cushions with a set of keys and a smug smile.]
Search for loose change, and find a quirky romantic adventure, in BETWEEN THE CUSHIONS.
Apatovian Bromance tagline
This Summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen give kidneys for each other.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone tagline
They’re from space. They’re here to crush your puny civilization. And they’re ladies!
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone [?! —Ed.]
“One corpse. One other corpse. And a whooooole lot of compromising positions!”
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie
“I know we’re only those people who ride the motorized carts at Wal Mart. But I don’t care. I’m going to race you to Chuck E. Cheese.”
And finally, the bonus round:
Every Summer Movie Ever
“Many years ago, there was a prophesy that a bad summer movie would come out. Something really terrible, with lots of explosions. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for doing something worthwhile, not for wasting your life in a movie theater.”
Superhero Movie tagline
He’s the hero we fed to the sharks. Not the hero we blasted with our orbital laser cannon.
True to form, I always overthink them and come up with at least vaguely skeletal plots. So I also include summaries or elaborations. Sorry, that’s just how I roll.
Superhero Movie: She’s the hero we assembled. Not the hero the instructions told us to make. “Lego Woman.” The kit was meant to make a dude, so the kids made a female superhero. Obvious societal commentary, but also commentary on how nowadays, you can’t really just get bags of random Legos- everything comes in kits, unless you’re lucky enough to live near a Lego store that sells them by the pound. But using your imagination can be oh so much better, amirite?
Alien Invasion: Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours, the number of rabbits will have exceeded humans by over 1.7 million. Mr. President, I suggest we go to Code Lucky Charm. “Dangerous Pet Choices” Aliens put something in the atmosphere that turns the “procreate like rabbits” thing into a reality, causing rabbits to multiply at exponential rates. Operation Lucky Charm involves making a lot of lucky rabbit’s feet.
Heist Movie: If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need guns, germs, and steel. “Development” Members of a non-profit in a developing nation hold the headquarters of the corrupt government hostage in this one.
Nicholas Sparks Movie: I’ve loved you ever since the day you first started playing hard-to-get, but before you were diagnosed with cancer, leukemia, hemophilia, and heart disease. “Minnesota in the Spring” They meet outside the Mayo Clinic. ‘Nough said.
Happy Madison Comedy: Mary had life all figured out. That’s when God decided to give her the Second Coming. [RECORD SCRATCH. Cut to Adam Sandler, in an ultrasound video.] “Mandalay Bay Mary” She’s a cocktail waitress at the Mandalay Bay resort in Las Vegas, and was set on selling her eggs because she hates kids so much.
Middlebrow Rom-Com: Sometimes love is the second-to-last place you expect to find a safeword. “S, M, & Other Things” Warm-hearted one about a couple trying to amp up their sex life.
Apatovian Bromance: This summer: Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan bake cupcakes for each other. “Cake Boss: The Movie” They compete for bust cupcake, myriad hijinks ensue. Things like salt instead of sugar, planting dead rats in kitchens, explosions of cupcake batter… Etc.
Inevitable Bridesmaids Clone: They’re high. They’re fly. And they’re ladies! “The Doobie Sisters” Three female pot-heads embark on a journey of self-discovery together while trying to find a necklace that their dead companion had pawned off for some pot money a while back, the goal being putting it on her body at the open casket funeral.
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone: One corpse. One lovesick zombie. And a whooooole lotta laughs! “Love at First Bite” I’m sure there’s already a movie of that title. But anyhoo, the zombie falls in love with a regular dead body and tries to pass the corpse off as a zombie.
Twee Auteurish Unclassifiable Movie: I know we’re only men. But I don’t care. I’m wearing pants and tossing out these goddamned pearls. “Dress Code” Alt-universe where women literally wear the pants usually, and the men start a masculinity movement, met by lots of femsplaining, denial of power differentials, and an eventual societal derogatory status of the word “masculinity.”
Every Summer Movie Ever: Many years ago, there was a prophesy that the world would fall short of quality soldiers. Now, all the signs say it’s coming true. You have a great gift. Use it for your queen and country, not for nitpicking your mother-in-law’s cooking. “Inspector Gibson” British comedy about a chap that becomes Inspector General in the Royal Airforce. What makes it a summer blockbuster is that the mother-in-law is Judy Dench and the chap is Colin Firth.
Also, there’s this: http://youtu.be/rbhrz1-4hN4
It’s a real link; I don’t do well with trying to embed links in HTML, and for some reason, YouTube has been putting a period between the “u” and “b” as of late.
Superhero Movie tagline He
Superhero Movie:
He’s the hero we sexually assaulted. Not the hero whose body we dumped into the ocean.
Alien attack:
Here’s the projection for 24 hours. This is 48. And within 72 hours this kegger will be so out of control, my mom will be super pissed when she gets home. Mr President, I suggest a clean up montage.
Heist Movie:
If we’re going to pull this off we need six years of ballet, three of tap dancing and a lot of panache.
Nicholas Sparks Adaptation:
I loved you ever since the day you sat on my face.
Happy Madison Comedy:
Stacy Hart had her life all figured out. That’s when Doctor Von Springzersned decided to give her a sex change. [RECORD SCRATCH] [Cut to a picture of Adam Sandler wearing nothing, while laughing manically.
Middlebrow Rom-Com:
Sometimes love is the place where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad to watch you get drunk, break down sobbing and threaten to kill yourself.
Apatovian Bromance:
This summer: Paul Rudder and Seth Rogen search for each other in a mall.
Coming soon, Lost: The Movie.
Inevitable Bridesmaids clone:
They’re hookers. They’re being beaten to death with a baseball bat. And they’re ladies.
Coming soon, Grand Theft Auto: The Movie.
Weekend at Bernie’s Clone:
One corpse that’s slowly lumbering towards me. One town that seems to be deserted. And a whole lot of l- oh God, they’re eating my face.
Twee Auteruish Unclassifiable movie:
I know we’re only gods. But I don’t care. I’m going to put my fist straight through this underground bunker and destroy the world.
(The people who haven’t seen Cabin the Woods might not understand that one.)
Every Summer Movie Ever:
Many years ago , there was a prophesy that said something but we were drunk at the time. Now all the signs say it’s coming true, we think. You have a great gift or was it the other kid, never mind. Use it for…something, I think it’s to do with…fire or water, some element anyway. Not for making the bad thing happen. Again not sure what the bad thing is…maybe the bad thing is fire. Here’s an old blunt sword and this weird scroll that’s important for some reason. Now, off you go.
Aaaaaaand…. CUT! Entries are closed for Clichemageddon 2012 (we left it open a couple extra days because of the server downtime).
Stay tuned for a post with the results!