Or, "Phil M. Great-Spear" as he was otherwise known.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Pornos are listed in the order presented in the First Fellatio Folio, 1623.
~ The Comedies and Romances ~
~ The Histories and Tragedies ~
The Life and Little Death of The King’s Johnson.
Henry IV’s Naughty Parts, 2: Erotic Boogaloo.
Troilus and Cressida and Cressida’s Hot Boarding-School Roommates.
Make Beth. (Sometimes called “The Scottish Lay.“)
***
Got some of your own? Unfurl them in the comments!
Obligatory:
“Is this a dagger which I see before me?”
NO! It’s a Veg-O-Matic!!!
“The 12 Knights”
“Sonnet #69”
“The Taming of the Shrew”
“The Rape of Lucrece”
“Venis and Adonis”
Really, there is not much stopping any of the originals from being X rated with a little creative directing.
“A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!”
“Et Tu Bruti?”
“The plays the thing”
Actually, you don’t need to parody Shakespeare to make it smutty. All you really need to do is properly translate the Elizabethan slang.
For example, back in Will’s day, the word “will” was a sort of all-purpose term for genitals (Shakespeare went through life with a name equivalent to “Dick”) – thus the term “willie”…
With that in mind, here’s Sonnet 136:
Whoever hath her wish, thou hast thy “Will,”
And “Will” to boot, and “Will” in overplus;
More than enough am I that vex thee still,
To thy sweet will making addition thus.
Wilt thou, whose will is large and spacious,
Not once vouchsafe to hide my will in thine?
Shall will in others seem right gracious,
And in my will no fair acceptance shine?
The sea, all water, yet receives rain still
And in abundance addeth to his store;
So thou, being rich in “Will,” add to thy “Will”
One will of mine, to make thy large “Will” more.
Let no unkind, no fair beseechers kill;
Think all but one, and me in that one “Will”.
Oh, that’s fabulous! Indeed, as the old saying goes, “Where there’s a will, there’s genitalia.”
One of my favorite examples of this kind of bawdy punning stems from the Elizabethan usage of “Zero,” or “O” to refer to vaginas. “Much Ado About Nothing,” would have signified to its audience, appropriately enough, “Much Ado About Vagina.” Eerily close to my pr0n parody title, I’d say.
@Dr_Demento: Your offer of “12 Knights” is outstanding. I had originally pencilled in “Twelfth Night (Of Unrelenting, Depraved Fucking)” but thought it was too, erm…, “On the nose.”
@Mark and @Dr_D. If we’re going to use lines from Shakespeare for this, then I’ll posit Cornwall’s famous, “Out, vile jelly!” from King Lear. Extra points if you yell this at the point of your next climax.
OPEN CONTEST:
Readers: If you’ve got any ideas for the following–for which I was sure I’d be able to come up with something brilliant, only to find myself vexed, I’d love to hear them. Heck, for the best ones, I might just mock up a movie poster in photoshop. Or, like, a grungy DVD box cover. Not sure they make posters for porn…
-The Tempest (the best I had was “The Ten Tits.” )
-The Comedy of Errors
-Love’s Labors Lost*
-The Taming of the Shrew
-Pericles, Prince of Tyre
-Timon of Athens
-Julius Caesar
-Hamlet
-Othello
-Cymbeline
Discuss.
* “Lust’s Labors Lost” is too easy… “Butt-Love’s Neighbors Lost”? Not sure what that means… Maybe the answer is “Love’s Salads Tossed.”
Training Her to Screw
Timon Does Athens
Julie Says “Seize Her!”
Testicles, Prince of Teabag
O, Hello! Here to fix your fridge and fuck your daughter
Hamlet lets her (maybe haha)
There’s also sonnet 129, which is clearly about giving in to lustful desires and feeling terrible about it afterwards. “The expense of spirit in a waste of shame…”
Or these lines from Twelfth Night:
“And so, from hour to hour, we ripe and ripe,
And then, from hour to hour, we rot and rot”
Which, in the accent of the day, are phonetically identical to
“And so, from whore to whore, we rape and rape,
And then, from whore to whore, we rut and rut”
Ass: you like it
(the title is funny because there’s a colon in it)
“love ladies’ lust”
“humplette”
“pair-a-cilts, prince of tongue”
that should read “pair-a-clits, prince of tongue”
“the temptress”
“timon in athena”
“jenna loves caesar”
Strangely, this very topic is discussed in the excellent podcast Pappy’s Bangers and Mash, Episode 16 http://soundcloud.com/colin-anderson/pbam16 They went for MacBoobs and As You Like Tits amongst others.
No, no, no. It’s “The Merchant of Penis,” staring Ron Jeremy as the evil Jew Shycock. Tagline: “It really is a pound of flesh.”
Comedy of Errors = Cum, ladies of Eros