So who’s moving on to Saturday’s finals? Well, the big disappointment is that the first Eurovision song ever to be performed in Swahili didn’t make the cut. I was kind of in love with Norway for sending Stella Mwangi, who sang a very un-Norwegian song about her childhood in Kenya. I’m sure next year, they will overcompensate by sending a literal band of Vikings.
Here are the other countries that have been eliminated, along with my shorthand for remembering their acts: Poland (touring company of Chicago), Albania (redhead who may or may not be an eagle), Armenia (puffy sleeves and sparks), Turkey (beefy bald rock dude), Malta (inspirational gay disco), San Marino (I still don’t believe this is a real place), Croatia (“Celebrate,” not the Kool & the Gang version), and Portugal (the protest song that brought down the government). I got to say, I’m delighted and horrified that Finland’s environmental fable about the little boy who runs away from home to lobby parliament actually got some votes. I might have to root for it to win, if only to read some sneering editorials about it in the New York Post.
Okay, we caught up? Good. Because at 3 pm EST, Thursday afternoon, 19 more countries will be competing, and you can watch it go down live. If you make it to the end of this post, you’re going to know about all of them. But just as Napoleon did before me, I’ve discovered that Europe is too much for any one man to handle. For this preview, I’ve called in reinforcements in the form of my Overthinking It Marshalls (that’s the “1” on the Stratego board, so keep your spies at home). Special thanks to Fenzel and Jordan for subjecting themselves to this.
Austria
Nadine Beiler, “The Secret Is Love”
BELINKIE: The good news is she can actually sing, and she’s not shy to show it off with her acapella opening. The bad news is that she has a Prince Valiant haircut. But the song is actually pretty good. It reminds me of the tuneful ballads they used to make in the 90s, like “Hero,” “One Fine Day,” or “I Will Always Love You.” Yes, I know that technically that last one is a Dolly Parton song from the 70s, so save your “well actually”s.
FENZEL: The tone is earthy and soulful (schnitzel soul, as it were), with a bright mid-aughts pop vibe underneath Gospel choir. And yet in the presentation the singer is wearing a slinky sparkly dress with a severely coiffed pageboy, and there is liberal use of smoke machine – the combination aims for that elusive cyberspiritual space called “Mariah Blade Runner” – and/or “Las Vegas.” The song either says “disregard petty artifice and focus on the awesome things that matter in the world,” or “disregard the petty things that matter in the world and focus on awesome artifice.” Not sure which. There’s also a lot of conflation between people reaching out their hands to one another and spreading their wings, which pulls in the same conflict between redemptive social connection and redemptive personal fantasy, because people are not birds.
It’s an athletically performed song, but it leaves me thinking the people who wrote it don’t sincerely believe they have actually found “the secret” and are using love as a temporary placeholder.
JORDAN: That’s not a Prince Valiant haircut, that’s half a Prince Valiant haircut. I don’t use this word lightly, but that haircut is tragic. That haircut has a five-act structure and demonstrates unity of action place and time. That haircut purges emotions of fear and pity in the people who see that haircut. That haircut has a climactic moment of peripeteia. You see where I’m going with this. Thomas Kyd wrote that haircut.
BELINKIE: I’m guessing that the other secret is that it’s a wig.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
When I close my eyes I fall into a dream
Can’t you see this world of people live in peace
The sun is shining in my heart, rainbows in the sky
Spread your wings and fly, fly, fly high
Belarus
Anastasiya Vinnikova, “I Love Belarus”
BELINKIE: When I first heard this song, I figured that Belarus had missed the part of the rulebook where Belarusians are not allowed to vote for their own country. Unless Belarus has a lot of immigrants living abroad, this seemed like an incredibly silly Eurovision entry. The video is a nationalistic neon orgy, with traditional folk dancers kicking away during a frenzied dulcimer solo. (But here’s what mystifies me: why would you come to Eurovision with a nationalistic anthem called “I Love Belarus”… written entirely in English?)
Those were all things I thought when I first heard it. And now, I have a confession to make. I cannot get this song out of my head. I am obsessed with it. I realized this is probably a sign that I am mentally ill, or that there’s a radon leak in my apartment. But it cannot be denied: I love “I Love Belarus.”
JORDAN: Hey Belarus, Boney M. called, he wants “Ra-ra-Rasputin” back.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
I’m feeling great and it’s easy to be strong
When all the hearts keep on beating as one
The sky is blue and I’m writing a new song
Saying that I’m free, friendly and young
BELINKIE: Is it just me, or does this sound like a Craigslist Casual Encounters ad? It’s just me? Okay, moving on…
Belgium
Witloof Bay, “With Love Baby”
JORDAN: I like two things about this one. The first is that if you try to say the name of the song after downing a liter of Trappist lambic, you end up saying the name of the group. The second is that Belgium apparently thought that acapella vocal jazz was the wave of the future. It’s certainly a bold choice, and for the first minute of the half it kind of works. You find yourself thinking “Hey, this isn’t so bad. Why do people hate on this kind of music so much?” And then the hip-hop breakdown starts, and you’re like “Oh, right, that’s fucking why.”
FENZEL: Wow, this blew my hair back. Brussapella? Antwerp Transfer? Obligatory joke about delicious waffles, Batman — the market for older, unattractive a capella groups has a new titan, and it speaks either a variant of French or a variant of Dutch when it isn’t speaking English. The Belgian Beat Box is the biggest thing to happen to Flanders since Flanders. The guy actually says “break it down, now.” This is a stunt act – Eurovision periodically pumps out strange, fun, or just plain ballsy approaches to song that won’t win, but make the night worth watching. These crooners are my pick for favorite act so far, even though their song’s lyrics don’t say anything, the group doesn’t necessarily stay on key and their beat-boxing is junior varsity at best – if you’re waiting for the second coming of Belg Markie, you’ll have to wait for it, folks.
BELINKIE: I blame Glee for this.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
The… warrant!! [Ed. — Hah! If only.]
REAL SAMPLE LYRIC:
When I love you,
And you love me too,
There is nothing left for us to do
But to hug and to kiss and to tug and to bliss,
With love, baby, with love.
Bosnia-Herzegovina
Dino Merlin, “Love In Rewind”
JORDAN: I had a whole bunch of snark lined up for this one — stuff about how goofy the piano player’s hand movement looks, stuff about how stupid it is to hire an aerialist if you’re not going to aim the camera at her now and again, maybe some stuff about the adventures of Dino-Merlin, triceratops advisor to King Arthur. But then the Peter Gabriel-ish section with the disembodied “Sweet girl!” “Sweet boy!” shouts came in, and I realized that I was kind of loving this song. It’s quirky enough to stand out from the pack, but not so much as to rub anyone the wrong way… I could see this one going the distance. Lyrics are kind of stupid, but so what else is new?
BELINKIE: Dino Merlin’s real name is apparently Edin Dervišhalidović. How do you pronounce an “s” wearing a hat?
SAMPLE LYRIC:
One to one-hundred, multiplied by you
It all looks great, it all looks cool
healthy children go to school
my daughter’s in love, my son loves too.
Bulgaria,
Poli Genova, “Na Inat”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4naw9iUrTw
FENZEL: There’s an 80s New Wave vibe to some of Europe’s emerging female pop singers these days, rocking out a look I always associate with Roxette – the jazzed-out platinum blond pixie cut atop a feminine made just slightly androgynous, with a heart full of love and rage. The neo-Roxette look’s lead practitioner (other than the domestic Pink) is Flock-of-Seagulls-Inspired Robyn from Sweden, who has broken through and these days is on tour with Ke$ha. Here we see Bulgaria’s contribution to the look, Poli Genova, who is just attention-grabbing enough to distract – for a minute or two – from the fact that one of the women in this band is playing keytar. Once that minute is over, though, it’s keytar time !!!oneoneone1!!
The keytar (!!!) takes center stage when this song uses one of my favorite karaoke tricks. It works particularly well when singing Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American.” In order to stand up dramatically in the middle of the song, you have to start the song sitting down. In this case, it created a bit of awkwardness – nobody gave Poli Genova a chair, and it made no sense at all for that girl to be playing the keytar (!!!) sitting down – why not just play a keyboard? But Poli Genova sat on the floor and distracted everybody from these questions with her haircut until, BOOM! Everybody just stood up! Ante is upped, folks. That. Just. Happened.
If Eurovision was strictly a keytar (!!!) contest, Bulgaria would probably win. And it is, so I like their chances.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
I don’t
speak
Bulgarian
REAL SAMPLE LYRIC (translated):
There are people like you and me
I will stay, fight in spite of everything!
Who does it depend on? Yes – on you and me!
Cyprus
Chrystos Mylordos, “San Aggelos S’Agapisa”
FENZEL: I love local language Eurovision songs because they broaden the idea of what Europe is and can be, and because in a world that people too often think of as homogenized by cultural imperialisms, it helps to see something like “San Aggelos S’Agapisa” compete on even footing against something like “Angel” or “Popular.” Not that it stands a chance, of course, unless the Cyprus Broadcasting Company that backs Chrystos Mylordos has quite a bit more clout than I assume it does. Still, it’s cool to see it in the running – to see the points of friction within a Europe half-aspiring to be N*Sync, half still drawing energy and art from its thousands of years of customs, local language and attitude.
I have no idea what this song is about, but judging from the video, it is about the sad sexual tension between the halves of the politically divided island of Cyprus and how they alternate sitting in dark rooms with wine glasses, running around on beaches or getting lost while searching for the Cypriot Sasquatch.
It is interesting that Chrystos’s song is presented alongside a narrativized video rather than just a live performance like so many others, especially because the video is so awful. That, and asking the continent to vote for a song in Greek that is no different from any other song ever shows the kind of balls that, to be Cypriot, one must have in no short supply.
JORDAN: I’ve heard Euro-pop ballads that took a turn for the heavy metal before, but this one really commits. Once the guitars kick in, the restrained music from the opening is gone — just… gone — and if the place where the song winds up is somewhere south of Zeppelin, it’s arguably north of Whitesnake. Oh, and I almost missed it, but hey, part of the song from 0:55-1:26! Rihanna called, she wants the hook from “Umbrella” back.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Why are you so sad?
Is the wine not to your liking?
Or do you prefer your rooms
to have walls? Too bad. Oh no,
It is a smoke machine
And bigfoot.
REAL SAMPLE LYRIC:
You crucified me, you made me bleed even when I was dying for you
My tears were flowing like blood, forgotten words.
Denmark
A Friend in London, “New Tomorrow”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-Ghz1Fml28
JORDAN: There’s something self-flagellating about this. It’s not enough that the song sounds like something the fake British new-wave band from Music and Lyrics would write, the artist is actually called “A Friend in London?” People, I’m sure you have plenty of friends in Denmark too. Stand up for yourselves.
BELINKIE: Actually Jordan, they may not have as many friends as you think. This song has been pretty heavily criticized for sounding suspiciously like at least one other recent Eurovision contender. And it definitely does. Check out this pretty damning side-by-side comparison somebody created.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Come on boys, come on girls
In this crazy crazy world,
You’re the diamonds your the pearls
let’s make a new tomorrow.
Estonia
Getter Jaani, “Rockefeller Street”
FENZEL: With a name like Rockefeller Street, it’s hard not to immediately place the song in Jay Z’s shadow, but Getter Jaani seems to have her sights set on a patch of grass under the grasping branches of the Oingo Boingo tree. “Rockefeller Street” is a callout of the irrevocable strangeness of luxurious partying and leisure in the days of celebrity – a common theme in American songs that must resonate even more strongly among Estonians – who still, apparently, can’t resist waving around a scarf as part of their act. Ah, the simple things.
It’s yet another song about partying (albeit with a note of caution) from an upstart post-Soviet era country, and a light sort of fusion – there are Central and eastern European influences, but the singer is attempting to compensate for her accent to make the song appeal to a broader audience. I would not be too surprised to hear this song on American radio during the times when it would have been fashionable, or even at other times. It’s well done, it has energy, it throws in some cool transitions and alienating effects.
But do we really need somebody to try to startle our intellects with the weirdness of our ostentatious culture while we’re watching Eurovision? It’s one of the weirdest, most ostentatious places there is. It’s like Getter Jaani is telling us a ghost story when we’re at a burial ground at Wounded Knee. We’re already spooked; it’s hardly necessary.
JORDAN: I find it interesting that this is the only song — it is the only one, right? — to be explicitly and self consciously about America, or at least about an Estonian’s perception of America.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
1-2-7-3 down the Rockefeller Street
Life is marching on, do you feel that
1-2-7-3 down the Rockefeller Street
Everything is more than surreal.
India
Shah Rukh Khan, “Dard e Disco”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXqU4MVUlHs
JORDAN: Yeah, yeah, I know. India doesn’t get to compete in Eurovision. But only because if they did, they would win every time.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Watch that video again and tell me it even matters what the lyrics are. Every time.
Ireland
Jedward, “Lipstick”
BELINKIE: The year’s Eurovision features not one but TWO sets of identical twins. It’s basically a Shakespearean comedy waiting to happen. Let me answer your first question: no, Jedward is not gay, but they are featured on the cover of Gay Times magazine. Fun fact: the names of the twins are John Paul Henry Daniel Richard Grimes and Edward Peter Anthony Kevin Patrick Grimes.
JORDAN: Hey Jedward, Britney Spears called, she wants “If You Seek Amy” back! And she also wants “Womanizer” back. And also Rihanna called, and she wants “SOS” back. Okay, so there are kind of a lot of songs like this, I guess, all of which I dislike. I’m a little mystified by the lyrics of the chorus here — it’s like Thing 1 and Thing 2 are bragging about their ability to make out with lots of other women without getting caught? There’s something very charming and high-school about a concept of infidelity that only extends as far as illicit makeouts.
FENZEL: Jedward are deserving favorites heading into the competition – “Lipstick” is like bringing Lady Gaga to a knife fight. The song is contemporary, fresh, tightly produced, catchy, and has a lot of the notes to it that American songs have been using lately to earworm their way into the public consciousness – namely, building the song around a recognizable “thing” that commands attention by promising a certain intrigue that sort of shows up, even though the rest of the song is pastiche and not really cogent.
I’m reminded particularly of Katy Perry’s “California Gurls,” which is built similarly around “Daisy Dukes, Bikinis on Top.” These accoutrements in both cases are apropos of nothing but still the songs’ greatest strengths in getting attention, which in these days of media saturation is more important than being good. We’re selling ringtones and downloads, people, not albums. We want our songs at the club, in the mall and on the iPods; we don’t care about the Grammys. Prestige follows money.
The trick here is the crucible in which Jedward’s song is being tested – Eurovision is an old-school sort of competition, where people listen to the whole song and make a thoroughly weighted choice (whatever the factors) to deliberately vote for it. You’re not lunging to catch somebody’s brain in an idle moment in a train station with a weird line or a memorable hook. This style of song is designed for dissociated, distracted listening and short time intervals. Eurovision is long, and people are saturated with the songs. Facing down a Celine Dion-style balladeer at a song competition with something like this is like bringing an elite counterterrorism special forces unit to the middle of a field five miles away from a 20-year-old artillery battery. I’m not saying you’re not elite, or that you aren’t the latest in modern song warfare – I’m saying you’re not as favored in the matchup as you think you are.
For these reasons, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jedward underperforms. They don’t look all that tight so far as dancers, and their charisma is maybe a 6.5 out of 10. Eurovision isn’t the terrain for which this song is best suited. But it still might win based on the fact that it’s the only song I’ve heard so far that could actually be a pop song that people around the world would want to listen to outside of its current context.
BELINKIE: You know the difference between cheese and camp? Cheese tries to be good but fails. Camp redefines the terms of good. Something campy tweaks the rules of cool and taste. A lot of the Eurovision songs fall firmly in the cheese category. Finland is supposed to be a heartfelt ode to Mother Earth, but instead it makes me want to strangle a dolphin.
Jedward, on the other hand, knows what it’s doing. The hair, the outfits, the very concept of an identical twin boy band. You don’t have to like Jedward, but these guys are in control. And that’s why I’m not at all surprised that Lady Gaga herself is anxious to work with these guys. I’m with Pete on this: whether or not they win, I think we’re going to hear more about Jedward real soon.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
She’s got her lipstick on
Here I come, da da dum
She’s got her lipstick on
Hit and run, then I’m gone
Check my collar, collar, hey, hey, ey
Check my collar, collar, hey, hey, ey
Israel
Dana International, “Ding Dong”
BELINKIE: I know what you’re thinking: “Oh Israel, don’t be silly. There’s no way Europe is going to let a transsexual win Eurovision.” Except they already did. Dana International won in 1998. Even more impressive, her winning song, “Diva,” was entirely in Hebrew (except the title). I’m kind of impressed with Europe. But I’m less impressed with Dana International’s new song “Ding Dong,” which features some of the stupidest lyrics in a contest full of stupid lyrics. Example: the title refers to the sound your soul makes.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
If you have a dream of your own
Don’t be afraid go on with your heart
Close your eyes and hear the bells
Of your soul
Ding Dong say no more
I hear silent prayer and it’s making me
High and fly I know where to go
And I’m coming now
Latvia
Musiqq, “Angel in Disguise”
FENZEL: The Latvian guy who isn’t trying to pull off Elvis Costello might be the front-runner for the hotly contested “worst haircut at Eurovision,” not because his is the worst haircut, but because it suits him so poorly. The word “suit” reminds me of that lapel vest thing they’ve got going on, which seems just a half-step above the tuxedo t-shirt. Latvia’s entry has a bunch of these sorts of superficial things wrong with it: Musiqq should not be the name of a rap-rock duo with a burly Baltic frontman. “Musiq” is already used for a bunch of other notable musical acts anyway. Angels are already heavily featured this year at the center of a bunch of other Eurovision songs by more prestigious and more Cypriot countries. The singer’s voice is wrong for the song – it’s too deep and heavy and the song is too bubblegum and silly to handle it. The falsetto is awful. The Elvis Costello guy’s presence isn’t made important enough.
But at the root of it, you have one of the most “current” Eurovision songs I’ve seen so far – so many of the Eurovision songs are bad attempts at American pop music from ten years ago – lots of Britney, Puff Daddy, young Justin Timberlake stuff. “Angel in Disguise” is a bad attempt at an American pop song from 2009 – the rap break recalls Lil Wayne very specifically, and if the vocals were a bit more autotuned and the singer a bit less muddy, it could pass for bad Kevin Rudolf.
It’s disappointing execution, but an interesting idea – it’s unfortunate the Latvians didn’t find ways to turn the things that make their act quirky into things that make it good. “Angel in Disguise” is a good example of a song where restrictions didn’t really breed creativity as much as they might have. The Latvian Lil Wayne Costello deserves better.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
It’s simple, like you and I
Just spread your wings and learn to fly
I must be a lucky guy
With a girl like you right by my … side.
No sweat, I’mma do this right
Bring the moon to the moonless sky
Yeah, see, the stakes are high
But the story ends with no goodbye.
F.Y.R. Macedonia
Vlatko Illevski, “Rusinka”
BELINKIE: I had no idea what the “FYR” is supposed to stand for, so I Googled it. Go ahead and try it; you’ll be surprised at the first result.
FENZEL: Here’s another great work of Balkan fusion – dance/rock/Macedonian, with a bitchin’ accordion solo backed by a ska-ish rhythm guitar. The motifs in the voice and electric guitar come tantalizingly close to Tetris music. The video has stunning production values (take that, Cyprus Broadcasting Company!), and the usual notes of surprising bleakness and cold you expect from Eastern European rockers. If you’re looking for found moments, these sorts of smashworks are great for it – the Zorba the Greek dance with the party boys in the snow is sweet.
Vlatko Illevski seems like a legit act – like he actually knows what he is doing and is making the music he wants to make rather than the music he thinks the crowd will like – similarly to the Moldovan folks at Zdob shi Zdub, below. In another coincidence, Vlatko was also present at Eurovision 2005, as a backup guitarist.
I really hope the video was filmed all in one take, but I doubt it. I will choose my fantasy over reality.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Something something, Musika! (I know that word! I think!) Also “Rusinka” has got to mean “Russian girl,” probably. And although I didn’t actually hear the word “vodka” in there, it seems like the kind of song where it would come up.
Moldova
Zdob shi Zdub, “So Lucky”
JORDAN: Now this is more like it. If these guys don’t win, I am going to smash up the place. I love everything about this — the old school bass drum with the band’s name on it, the fact that everyone involved is super amped up except for the drummer who is totally blissed out and may be listening to a completely other song on those headphones, the one guy who doesn’t bother putting down his trombone before he starts playing the clarinet. I like that Zdob shi Zdub is just a Moldovan onomatopoeia for a drum beat, making it the equivalent of a band named “Ba-dump ching!” I like the Ramones meets The Five Hundred Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins visual aesthetic (not in the video so much, but click here). And most of all I like the music, which is just, like, totally antithetical to everything that Eurovision is supposed to be about: committed, raw, exciting, and I’m guessing connected to Moldovan musical traditions in a way that’s both passionate and original. Andrew W.K. would write this kind of music if he had been raised by Roma street musicians. Gogol Bordello would does write this kind of music. There’s no way these guys are advancing past this round.
FENZEL: Where Kid Rock takes Southern Rock and mixes it with Hip Hop (and has money like Fort Knox), Zdob shi Zdub takes the Punk Rock and mixes it with Hip Hop, and then mixes that with Traditional Moldovan Music, and then mixes that with Roma Music From The Gypsies. Rap-rock has never been this eclectic – despite my efforts to edit the Wikipedia article to the contrary, Limb Bizkit never released a “Rollin’ (Clarinet Solo Vehicle)” remix. Zdob shi Zdub are Eurovision veterans, finishing 6th in 2005, and it’s easy to see why – the mix feels totally fresh and distinctive and rocks pretty hard whilst being totally ridiculous at the same time.
“So Lucky” borrows from Bling Bubble era hip hop – references to being awesome and beloved, drinking things and driving things, hopefully not in that order, and being ostentatious – except it describes things a Moldavian rocker might do, rather than describe a lifestyle it might not plausibly achieve but needs to speak to in order to fit the genre. Zdob ain’t flying like a G6, they’re hitting on Moldavian ladies who aren’t always amenable to their affections, but usually are.
It’s perhaps telling for our age that the songs about gratitude and being awesome seem to be coming from post-Soviet states where the current economic situation is really not that bad, relative to a history of entrenched poverty and rampant government abuse. It’s good that somebody gets to be happy about it. There’s no brighter bling than getting to have a country.
Genre-wise, the song seems to be constantly translating itself into itself – playing analogous music in multiple genres at the same time and mashing them together into a whole that retains enough chunkiness to rock pretty well. I’m impressed. I wonder whether voters who aren’t as bright-eyed about their current situations will share Moldova’s joy for their current state of affairs.
BELINKIE: Anton Chigurh can rock.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
I move with ease
In my convertible, breeze
My pity, whiskey on the rocks
Live from Zdob
The party never stops.
The Netherlands
3JS, “Never Alone”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlneiG2bGuE
FENZEL: The grungy painted frames, the plaid-glad guitar rock, the lightly-scuffed pretty boy, the rapturous lyrics, the invisible piano – yep, we’ve entered the Christian Rock section. Their Wikipedia page doesn’t identify 3JS as a Christian Rock band, and perhaps they’re just being optimistic about the medium-term future, but it seems like when Eurovision acts were drawing mid-twenty-aughts American musical genres out of whatever hat they used, 3JS got Creed & Company. It’s a harmless enough song, but the degree to which it is totally inoffensive is at odds with the band’s look and presentation. Their frontman also fails to impress. I’d give them very slim chances of winning.
BELINKIE: You know who else people gave very slim chances of winning? Jesus. Just sayin’.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Though the road is long
There are golden gardens
Etc. etc.
Romania
Hotel FM, “Change”
BELINKIE: Oh, I like this one. First off, I’m a sucker for minor-major transitions. Secondly, I like showtunes, and this is a showtune. If someone told me this was from the new Sister Act musical, I’d nod and make a mental note to get tickets for my mom. Finally, represent bowtie.
JORDAN: Hey Romania! Billy Joel called! He wants “Only the Good Die Young” back! Also his hat.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
You think you’ve got the time to figure it out
Life will pass you by, your time is running out, oh yeah
You’re haunted by your troubles every day
Wasted smiles away, what’s there left to say?
Slovakia
TWiiNS, “I’m Still Alive”
FENZEL: Those expecting a Pearl Jam cover will be sorely disappointed (but what a move that would be!). This song might as well be called “Hubris,” and I would respect it a lot less if it came from a less plucky upstart kind of country. But Slovakia is using their first-ever Eurovision entry not sung in Slovak as a coming-out party of sorts, pairing their pair (The eponymous “TWiiNS,” which, like so many great things, is a Nintendo product waiting to happen) with video footage of the great protests, natural disasters, political moments and…hockey games…and…fetuses…that Slovakia had to endure to become the country it is today.
This song is a bit of a shame, because the small Central and Eastern European countries who sing in their native tongues are another part of what makes Eurovision special. Eurovision is funny and works because so many people sing in English, but it gets to the next level because not everybody does. Slovakia is still not oriented here toward actually competing in the big show (the TWiiNS don’t have quite that much appeal), but maybe they’re looking to do so in the future.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Nothing can touch me
Come see what I can be
Lonely, I walked through the fire
But I’m still alive.
Slovenia
Maja Keuc, “No One” (AKA “Vanilija”?)
JORDAN: I was going to make some kind of joke about how this sounds like a James Bond theme song, and she looks like a Bond Girl, and she even sort of has a Bond Girl name, but it turns out that Keuc is pronounced more like the last syllable of “accuse,” which takes most of the fun out of it. Luckily, all the fun we could possibly need has been provided by Chippy and Skippy, the world’s most inappropriately energetic backup dancers. Which is weird, because the song actually has plenty of energy… but you’ll see what I mean. If they had only done the Michael Jackson flourish at 0:58, dayenu! If they had only done the walk-like-an-Egyptian-into-riverdance at 1:21, dayenu! If they had only done the pelvic thrusts at 1:56,dayenu! But the cherry on the Terpsichorean sundae comes at 3:04, when Skippy has a wardrobe malfunction and ends the song bare-midriffed. Anyway, this music is pretty good. Bellow “Save me!” every fifteen seconds or so while you listen to it, and you might end up with something that sounds like Evanescence. (So, you know. Maybe don’t do that.)
SAMPLE LYRIC:
(Now something on you, something smells like vanilla.) Like vanilla!
Sweden,
Eric Saade, “Popular”
FENZEL: A lot of Eurovision songs contain either overt or subliminal messages about being Eurovision songs – my favorite (and favorite Eurovision song ever) is still LT United’s 2006 entry from Lithuania, “We Are the Winners,” which just came out and said it. If “Popular” is a little more subtle, it’s only because it applies its cynical metatext to a broader swath of human endeavor – not only is Eric Saade willing himself to be successful on Eurovision, he’s willing himself into the lives and minds of teens everywhere. The man is, at least, aspirationally, the Swedish Zac Effron, a children’s entertainer turned ardent teen heartthrob, but with a few less years of experience, less anxiety for his long-run artistic legitimacy and little interest in communicating the same kind of positive message, perhaps because his market share depends less on it. I’m not saying he’s a bad person – I barely know the guy – but this song in particular is so on-the-nose as to be inescapable and a bit jarring. It’s not like American audiences don’t have cynical songs about this sort of tween social domination, but they don’t state their case quite so plainly. It seems gauche, even relative to something like “Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend!”
I’m particularly amused by the line “my body wants you, girl” – usually of course it is the other way around, where the subject is still a person and the object is dehumanized, a la “I want your body.” Here the singer is on such a steamrolling, nonstop drive to satisfy his Will that he loses himself and sees his physical interactions with individuals as the distant voices of some faraway possession, like a letter from the keepers of a dacha.
It’s hard to tell whether Eric Saade (if I ever walk past a live show of his advertised with a big sign above the door, I’m totally making a joke about the marquee) is so possessed by Continental Philosophy and ideas of the Will that he is confounded by the notion of the self, or whether the English is just a little wrong.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
I will be popular.
I will be popular.
I’m gonna get there.
Popular.
Ukraine,
Mika Newton, “Angel”
FENZEL: Ukraine isn’t dithering around with the Gatling gun at this point, it has torn off his shirt and is covered in war paint and mud. By way of Predator metaphor, I mean that this is a serious song that isn’t trying to show off, it’s trying to win Eurovision – Ukraine is playing for keeps, perhaps in a play for national pride against the Russian Eurovision juggernaut. Hot, overly made-up front-woman, pop sensibility, strong appeal to the Eastern European voting bloc, Puff Daddy-esque overproduction (all the way down to the fan in the poor girl’s face), this song is just trying… so… hard! It tries so hard it comes off to me as more than a little bit racist in the process. It tries so hard the singer strains her voice in multiple tracks as the producer reverbs her intense burning need for votes.
Appealing to a Eurovision voting bloc strategically is tricky business – you have to let them know you’re on their side by separating yourself from the “other,” but you can’t be so foreign that nobody else will vote for you. The singer’s accent and affectation seems to do a decent job of this, as does her Fear-Uncertainty-Doubt (FUD) appeals in the song to the danger the audience is in and their need to acknowledge mutually that they are awesome, borderline-supernatural beings who are all on the same white team for some reason.
I don’t like this song at all, but it is catchy. Damn you, Ukranian Puff Daddy!
SAMPLE LYRIC:
We are people on the planet,
We live human lives.
We are angels,
We’re in danger,
We are crystal white.
Crystal white.
BELINKIE: At the very least, this song is in bad taste, since Ukraine has a documented problem with racism. Just a few weeks ago, Fox Sports ran an article about…
…more than 200 serious hate crimes at [soccer] matches in Ukraine and Poland during an 18-month period. These included fans racially abusing their own black players, the use of fascist banners and violent attacks on anti-racist groups.
And now, back to the Ukrainian Eurovision entry:
We are angels,
We’re in danger,
We are crystal white.
Crystal white.
And on that cheery note, I’d say 6,000 words is probably enough for one post. I really appreciate Fenzel and Stokes riding shotgun on this musical Grand Tour, if you will. But Eurovision is just getting interesting! Stay tuned for a look at the “Big Five,” the rich nations that skip the semis and go straight to the finals. And then it’s time for our predictions; who do we think is going home with the glory?
But whoever wins, one thing is for sure. Someday soon, my wonderful girlfriend will look at me with beautiful eyes as deep as the ocean and whisper, “I love you.” And I will smile back at her and involuntarily say “I love Belarus.”