1. They are huge drama queens.
2. Left to their own devices, they never die.
Yes, that’s right, the trailers for New Moon are out, and it looks like these vampires are living forever — taking Twilight to a whole new, aw who the Hell am I kidding.
The best thing about vampires is killing them. Doing battle with the forces of darkness. Facing down the enchanting stalkers of the night, the pale dudes in the funny coats who speak with fictional accents and keep asking for invitations because they can’t do something as simple as walk through a door without making a whole bloody production out of it — and taking them out with the aid of any number of colorful and exciting implements or methods.
Now, you, the readers, tell us, the pedants, what the best one is — with a little bit of help from our stable of overthinkers, and a special (simulated) celebrity judge . . .
What do I need to lay the ol’ Goblet of Fire on Cedric Diggory? I think I left it lying around here somewhere . . .
Kimchi (Lee)
Defense: Kimchi is packed with garlic, which as we know is an excellent vampire deterrent in addition to a great way to add flavor to your cooking. But even better than its high garlic content, kimchi smells. A lot. Mere mortals can smell it a mile away, and vampires, with their heightened senses of smell, will steer well clear of any hint of this potent stuff.
With a good defense in play, you’ll be able to engage the vampire on your own terms, which leads us to:
Offense: Kimchi is crazy good for you. One serving gives you 80% of your daily recommended allowance of vitamin C and carotene, and it’s packed with vitamin A, thiamine, riboflavin, calcium, and iron. You’ll need to keep your body and your health in top shape if you plan on engaging vampires in combat, and one great way to do that is to eat a lot of kimchi.
Still not convinced? What if I told you that…
Both North and South Korea have the lowest vampire per capita levels in the entire world. Vampires obviously steer clear of the peninsula for the most part, but those that dare entire the Land of the Morning Calm are quickly dispatched by none other than Kim Jong Il himself, the greatest vampire slayer in all of Asia.
Commitment (Perich)
Though bloodsucking monsters had existed in central European folklore for centuries, we owe it to Dr. John Polidori’s 1819 short story “The Vampyre” for giving us the image of a vampire as aristocratic fiend. In it, a Lord Ruthven travels across Europe, seducing women and then draining them of blood before vanishing. Bram Stoker followed up on this trope with his famous 1897 novel, Twilight Dracula, in which a Transylvanian count seduces two women, killing one and hypnotizing the other before fleeing back to his castle.
Don't hate the player, hate the game.
As vampire fiction leaped from page to screen, the tradition of loving ’em and leaving ’em continued. Buffy Summers’ on-again / off-again lover, Angel, can’t commit to her in a serious relationship. And Edward spends hundreds of pages keeping Bella at arm’s length before dating her, then hundreds (upon hundreds) more pages before sleeping with her. Across the span of three centuries, vampires have fought tooth and nail to keep from being tied down to one woman.
Why is that?
Sure, there’s the constant temptation to start drinking your lover’s blood. But if you can pass as human for a few hours every day, walking around with regular people, then you’re already pretty good at restraining your bloodlust. There’s the tragedy that you’ll outlive her, being immortal. But that doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. Millions of people get in romantic relationships every year that they expect to walk away from. They’re called “spring break hook-ups.”
It’s clear that vampires avoid commitment for one reason alone: commitment will kill them.
It's not you, babe. It's me.
Sure, everything starts out fine. You move into her place – which is undoubtedly nicer than the sunless sty you’ve been living in. You go to the movies together, throw the occasional wine and cheese night (a glass of Type O negative for you) and maybe refinish some antique furniture. Then, one day, tragedy. She introduces you to her cousin the Catholic priest. Or she forgets to close the blinds before leaving for work. Or she picks up the wrong bag from the grocery store and unwraps a fresh loaf of garlic bread before realizing what’s gone wrong.
Any of these mistakes would be forgivable blunders in a mortal/mortal relationship. But vampires are like diabetics with severe gluten allergies. For all of their bestial strength and mystic powers, they practically have to live in a bubble. They can never afford to get comfortable.
So commitment is every vampire’s greatest fear. Does this explain why most fictional vampires are guys?
There’s only one way to stop a legion of relentless bloodsuckers who combine patience, pretention, manipulation and malice — and that’s revising state and federal statues to limit the amount of bloodsucking they can egage in — or at the very least the massive, punitive feeding they get to levy against the population where there perhaps the justification for a few pinpricks and a few minutes of organ music.
And, by the way, when the eff did vampires stop playing pipe organs?
OBJECTION! But I want to be all trendy and emo and wear a zip-up and talk about relationships!
OVERRULED!!! GET BACK ON THAT ORGAN, BATBOY!!!
It could be worse! We could be insurance claims adjusters!
Where was I? Getting pissed off that vampires don’t turn into bats anymore? Or that they don’t have widow’s peaks? Or that they don’t rock out the Grandpa Munster-style Continental European bling anymore. TRAVESTIES, ALL!
No, I was talking about how their diddling and mooching and exploitation of human society has paralyzed progress, kept us in the proverbial dark ages, and made fiscally responsible care for the elderly or hemophiliac well-night impossible!
Did you know that over 60% of people who have had all the life drained from their bodies and become shambling ghouls, pledged in troth to a dark master, had vampire-related blood loss? 95% if you exclude mall food courts?
People think it’s business as usual — oh, look, another show about vampires, another movie about vampires, another time I was accosted on the way back from the grocery store by a 19th century Slavic nobleman with a deep look in his eyes and secrets unknown and unknowable to Christendom —
Did you know there are more bats in vampire school today than there are practicing lawyers — I mean vampires — in the world?
Something must be done. And because vampires are immune to many forms of conventional harm, move at unmatchable speed, display incredible strength, and retreat at will to secluded impenetrable fortresses of sin in the mountains of Romania, there is only one weapon we can levy against them.
LEGISLATIVE ACTION!
Vampire tort reform today! Not tomorrow, today! Because if we wait until sundown, they will rise from their ancestral earth and send their lobbyists after us!
Delicious justice.
You know, I was going to write about something more outré. Something like “leaving a pile of grain on the doorstep,” or “the love of a good woman” (for which see either version of Nosferatu). I mean, stakes through the heart? Who gets vanilla ice cream at Ben and Jerry’s? But then I got to pondering, and I decided that having a think tank about vampire killing that didn’t mention stakes would be like having a think tank about key changes that didn’t mention Living on a Prayer. Here’s why they’re the best:
1) They provide mechanical advantage. I’m not sure how to calculate exactly how much (Shechner, you still out there? Drop some science on us!), but it’s more than a little. After all what is a stake but a specialized inclined plane? Speaking of which, I used to know a guy in college that people called “The Inclined Plane,” because he was simple, and kind of a tool.
2) In a pinch, you can use them to hold up a tent. Try doing that with the love of a good woman.
3) They are attested to by folkloric accounts. Were you aware that the original purpose of the stake was simply to pop the vampire, which, gorged on blood, had swollen to Mr. Creosote-like proportions? Do you find this image highly disgusting?
4) If you are designing a comic book character who fights vampires, you can give him a totally flipping sweet missile launcher that shoots stakes instead of missiles, or maybe even stake-missles that shoot stakes, like, everywhere when they explode. (Whether this counts as an advantage depends on whether or not you are currently a twelve year old boy.)
5) Most importantly, they work. A recent poll by the Pew Research Center found that out of 100 corpses staked through the heart in a controlled, double blind study, not one rose from the dead to feast on the blood of the living. So there. The stake is the best method. I just proved it. Statistically.
This even sort of looks like a graph. Can't argue with that.
Other Vampires (Belinkie)
The truth is, you are not likely to kick a vampire’s ass. It is stronger than you. It is faster than you. It may be able to quickly recover from injury, hypnotize you with a glance, or fly. Let’s put it this way: if Batman, the world’s most awesome human, takes 85 minutes to defeat a vampire, then the rest of us don’t stand a chance.
But you know who has a really great track record at killing vampires? Vampires.
If you've got a vampire problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire...
Some engage in vamp-on-vamp violence out of a desire to do good (Blade, Angel). Some kill their fellow undead to project loved ones (Edward, Bill from True Blood) or avenge them (Brad Pitt at the end of Interview). Some are enmeshed in a centuries-old inter-vampire political feud (Kate Beckinsale in Underworld). The motives vary, but the results is the same: little piles of dust for the cleaning lady to ponder come Monday morning.
So I say your best strategy for fighting a vampire is to get another vampire in your corner. A hit-vamp, if you will. Obviously, this is a tricky prospect. Vampires have centuries of practice at staying hidden. And even if you find one, it’s probably going to immediately attack you, which is the exact scenario you’re trying to avoid.
If you’re dealing with the kind of vampires who have human “familiars,” I would volunteer for that. This is not a great life – you’re basically a personal assistant. But if a vampire is actively trying to kill you, getting a job with another vampire might be your only chance. I’m not really sure how vampires pick familiars, so I can’t tell you how to make yourself an attractive candidate. But it certainly can’t hurt to use lots of action words in your resume, and ask intelligent questions during your interview. (Feel free to make your own Job Interview With the Vampire joke here.)
If being a familiar isn’t an option (in this economy, even vampires aren’t hiring), I suggest you make the following offer to your potential hit-vamp: you’ll deliver an entire truckload of blood, in exchange for killing the vampire that is currently stalking you. Basically, you promise to quit your job, and dedicate all your time and resources to getting a job driving the trailer they use for those mobile blood drives. Then, you jack it on your first day of work. Do not make the mistake of delivering this trailer to the vampire in person – it will kill you after you’re no longer of use. Instead, leave it in a pre-arranged location during daylight hours.
You will need a very convincing story for the Red Cross about what happened to their truck. They most likely will not believe it, but if you’re lucky they won’t press charges. Then all you’ve got to worry about is finding another job. Once again, lots of action words in the resume.
Celebrity Judge!!!
And now — guys, I’m really excited about this — we have with us a man with years of experience battling vampires and other denizens of the dead, none other than best buddy to the Slayer herself — shy, sexually frustrated nice guy Xander Harris!!!
Wait, what happened to the shy, sexually frustrated nice guy? Xander? I mean, it looks like you, but what’s going on? Has something about you . . . changed?
Have your eyes been opened to a whole new world? A world of darkness? Of inoffensive, metaphorical, nonsexual seduction?
Oh, no!!!! That blank “come hither, maybe” stare! Those absurdly contrived teenybopper photographs! The unnecessary, vaguely adolescent stubble!
He goes out in sunlight, he doesn’t play the organ, he doesn’t turn into a bat, he drives nerdy girls crazy, there’s all sorts of adoration dedicated to him on the Internet, and, and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzzfjjiuMXA
Fantasy videos of him on YouTube set to popular music! Xander’s a vampire!!!
Goddammit, where’s my garlic!! SOMEBODY CALL KIM JONG IL!!! SOMEBODY CALL KIM JONG IL!!!
(Frickin Wesley Snipes had to go and get busted for frickin tax evasion . . .)
Okay, junior overthinkers, that’s a pretty comprehensive list right there, I know we’re going to NAIL this one! It’s time to VOTE!
