He never gives up; he’s always there
Fighting for freedom over land and air …
Today, as the new G.I. Joe movie premieres in theaters across the world, Overthinking It takes a moment to honor our favorite real (fake) American heroes. These men and women, through fictional heroism and quiet devotion, inspired us to believe in our country. Whether depicted in movies, or TV shows, or comic books, they were the cultural embodiment of a literal ideal.
Join us today in saluting these Real (Fake) American Heroes.
Raymond Shaw, The Manchurian Candidate (Belinkie)
Did you know he makes, by far, the greatest omelettes I have ever tested? These omelettes made me wish I was an egg, so I could be part of something so beautiful. And the man can play guitar like nobody’s business! Once when we were surrounded behind enemy lines, Sgt. Shaw saved us with a rendition of “Johnny B. Goode” so blisteringly awe-inspiring that the Koreans dropped their weapons and started dancing. And his solitaire-playing is truly something to behold.
In short, I cherish the ground Sgt. Shaw deigns to walk on, and I would absolutely support his stepfather, Senator John Iselin, for any office he might decide to run for.
Amos the Mouse, Ben and Me (Perich)
Benjamin Franklin was one of the most extraordinary men of the 18th Century. Philosopher, inventor and patriot, he rose from obscurity to become one of the greatest figures in American history. In our struggle for freedom, much credit must be given to this illustrious–
mouse?
For it was Amos – the humble churchmouse – who was really responsible for the great deeds attributed to Benjamin Franklin! And here’s the proof in his own words:
Five minutes after meeting Ben Franklin, Amos has already led to the invention of the Franklin stove and bifocals – two inventions that made the lives of Americans vastly more comfortable. A minute later, he’s jump-started the Pennsylvania Gazette and saved Ben from bankruptcy. Amos later goes on to be pivotal in Franklin’s (apocryphal) electricity experiments and the drafting of the Declaration of Independence.
Amos displayed a remarkable generosity and loyalty towards Franklin – whom, if this version of events is to be believed, was kind of a dolt. The mouse has the patience of a saint, returning to Ben’s side after Ben nearly electrocuted him in order to help him with the Declaration of Independence. Most of the other Founding Fathers were wealthy landowners. It could be cynically argued that they sought independence from England in order to form a new country which they, popular and established, might more easily rule. But Amos, who didn’t even have the right to own property, had no such vested interest. He founded this great Empire out of the goodness of his mousey heart.
It's hammer time!
John Henry Irons, Superman, Steel (Fenzel)
I’ve known John Henry Irons as long as I can remember. He’s a gentle man, a strong man, and a funny man. He has a finely developed appreciation for 19th century American folklore. He knows the heft and efficacy of the working man’s hammer. He has a thorough grasp of advanced electro-laser particle physics or whatever the Hell kind of science he’s really good at.
He never makes a big deal out of the fact that he got to be in all those comic books, or that he had his very own movie, Steel, where he got to watch master thespian and pretty good basketball player Shaquille O’Neal tell part of the story of his remarkable life.
Of course, the movie left out his inspiring relationship with Superman, and the key role Mr. Irons (I’m sorry, Dr. Irons) played in the death and return of Kal-El, America’s greatest immigrant.
John smiles as he tells the story, “I don’t know what I was thinking, picking up that hammer. Was I going to hit him? Maybe. But with Doomsday fighting Superman – Superman! – I had to do something. You see, Superman saved my life, and he asked me to live a life worth saving. So I decided, in that moment, when Superman was about to die, to make a highly symbolic gesture of defiance, drawn of course from my favorite hobby – the study of 19th century American folklore – and then to get buried under a pile of rubble. Some people call it an early expositional cameo; I call it a subtle narrative commentary on the free black man in industrial America.
The whole ‘design a suit of power armor and become the black Superman’ thing was an afterthought, not to mention fighting that evil arms manufacturing company, or that entropy alien from another dimension, or all those gangs, or running that hospital. Why did they let me do that? I’m not qualified to run a hospital. I don’t know anything about the medical profession, I run a company called ‘Steelworks.’
As John so humbly relates (and I’m totally calling him on it this time!), after Superman died, he designed and put on a powerful suit of armor and took his place as the fourth person who tried to step in and fill the big man’s red go-go boots. But whereas the Man of Tomorrow (Cyborg), the Metropolis Kid (Superboy) and the Last Son of Krypton (bullshit energy-based alien) all claimed in one way or another to actually be Superman, John Henry Irons was more humble.
“Well, for one, we’re not the same person – but none of us were. You had to be dense (Like Steel? – Ed.) to think any of us were the real Superman, but for me, it was the most obvious. I’d known him when I was alive. I was there when he died. It was all a matter of public record. I know his secret identity – Clark Kent is a friend of mine.
Also, I don’t know if you noticed this, but I’m black.”
On this day when we obliquely celebrate G.I. Joe, and its stirringly vague suggestion that we ought to love our country by shooting the bejeezus out of something vaguely foreign, alien or evil with laser beams, I can think of no greater example of the virtues of our country – no more Real American Hero – than the man who never claimed to be Superman, except as an over-elaborate metaphor, but who was grouped with all the people who did anyway.
Like all truly Real American Heroes, Steel resides in Jersey City, New Jersey.
"Killing all of my enemies is half the battle."
Michael Corleone, The Godfather (Lee)
I had some very specific criteria in mind when making my choice for favorite Real (Fake) American Hero:
Must be an immigrant, or a child of immigrants. I can think of few other things that truly distinguish the American dynamic from that of other countries. A Real (Fake) American Hero must overcome not only his enemies and America’s enemies, but also the rejection of other so-called Real Americans for his status as a recent arrival to this country.
Must be a veteran of one of America’s wars. A Real (Fake) American Hero must put his life on the line for his own country and kill many of its dark-skinned enemies.
Must rise to power not by birthright, but by merit. An eldest son inheriting his father’s position is the way of the Old World. A Real (Fake) American Hero leapfrogs older, more traditional figures on his way to the top.
Must not really be a hero. The concept of a Real (Fake) American Hero is rife with dualities. GI Joe, the self-proclaimed “Real American Hero,” was of course a work of fiction and therefore not real. As mentioned above, the idea of a “Real American” runs into real problems with respect to immigration. In a way, everyone who’s not a Native American is a Fake American. And lastly, it’s well known that the entire American narrative is defined by the duality between the lofty principals it aspires to and the lowly deeds it commits in spite of those principles.
All men are created equal?
Slavery and Segregation.
Civil liberties?
Illegal wiretaps and Guantamo Bay.
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free?
Keep ’em out and keep ’em away from our jobs.
There is no better fit for this definition of the Real (Fake) American Hero than Don Michael Corleone from The Godfather books and films. He was the son of Sicilian immigrants who yearned to integrate into mainstream American life. He fought for his country in World War II. He leapfrogged his two older brothers to lead the Corleone crime syndicate based on his own merit. And of course, although he aspired to legitimize the family business and become a legitimate leader of mainstream American life, he descended into levels of depravity far beyond that of his predecessors and his enemies.
Sergeant Slaughter? General Hawk? They’ve got nothing on Michael Corleone, the Greatest Real (Fake) American Hero of them all.
