Alas, as a pathological cynic, I cannot share their optimism. It’s not only the broken economy, the faltering environment, and the continual abridgment of civil rights in America and around the world that put me in an apocalyptic mood. It’s that, last week, Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian was the number one movie on the planet.
This is not to say that pop culture is circling the drain. In the past month alone, I’ve cheered at the new Star Trek film, cried at the awesome, awesome last episodes of HBO’s In Treatment, and thanked America for having the wherewithal to vote the insufferable Danny Gokey off American Idol in favor of Kris Allen and Adam Lambert. As soon as possible, I’m going to see Pixar’s latest, Up, and I’m sure I’m going to adore it as much as I adore Wall-E, Ratatouille, and Finding Nemo. Oh, and soon in theaters there’s going to be a little movie called Harry Potter coming to a theater near me. Sweet.
So why am I so despondent about the state of popular culture? I assure you, Night at the Museum alone did not break my spirit. It wasn’t news of the racist casting of the live-action Avatar: The Last Airbender movie that did it, either. The new “Karate” Kid set in China with Jackie Chan was almost enough to destroy me, but only almost. The rash of board-game films didn’t help, either.
And then, last week, the final straw was gently placed upon the camel’s back. And that straw was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Without Willow. Without Angel. And without fricking Joss Whedon.
Thanks, Hollywood. You have finally thought of the Worst Idea of All Time. No, scratch that. You did think of making Bazooka Joe into a movie, didn’t you? I’m positive there are even worse ideas in that collective head of yours…
The year is 2013. The entire Western seaboard of the United States is underwater due to the melting of the polar ice caps. Barack Obama has been kicked out of office in preference of President Bill O’Reilly.
And from the producers of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer remake without Joss Whedon comes:
Director McG has this to say:
We really wanted to start from scratch on this one. Take what made the original West Wing so special and fill it out with hot young actors. At first, fans were upset that Aaron Sorkin wasn’t consulted about any part of the film, but they came around when they saw how awesome this film could be without boring walk-and-talks and with more 24-style suspense. I don’t want to give anything away, but there is at least one explosion in this one. Tell me when Aaron Sorkin ever did that, kids.
The year is 2016. Without a home to turn to, polar bears invade Canada, mauling the Prime Minister and installing one of their own as leader of the new United States of Polaria. The United States considers the nuclear option against this new foe.
And, from the directors of Transformers and G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra, comes:
Writer and star Shia LeBeouf has this to say about the experience of making the Care Bears reboot:
Of course, the biggest influence on the script has got to be Christopher Nolan, who really inspired me to look to the dark side of my favorite childhood characters. Is this movie about sharing and friendship? On a certain level, yes. But what it’s really about is civil liberties in a post-9/11 world. I decided I really needed to make audiences stare straight on at the underbelly of American society. Care Bare stare at it.
Film also stars Megan Fox and the Olsen Twins as a lesbian threesome who are turned evil by the dastardly Professor Coldheart (Kevin Spacey).
The year is 2019. After the huge smash successes of Bazooka Joe and Ridley Scott’s masterpiece, Monopoly, film studios consider every remaining franchise and obscure trademark in an attempt to find the next big thing.
Now, finally, on this last year of existence before Jesus’s return to Earth, comes the greatest movie epic of all time:
And I’m done.