10. Brush your Shoulders Off (Jay Z) — Time passes, seasons change, the Electric Slide gives way to the Cha Cha Slide at weddings, but one thing remains: DJs and emcees always want you to do something. While some music may ask more of us than dance music does, no other sort has the gall to up and demand it in the lyrics.
At least Jay Z here had the courtesy to demand something simple and easy to do that doesn’t require you to move your feet or get your heart rate up above 60 beats per minute or so. You can even do it while you’re holding your drink! Now I understand why the man is so successful — he doesn’t waste energy. (And because Universal has embedding on lockdown, here’s the DJ Danger Mouse remix. It’s probably for the best)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwtDqDyoUAs
There’s also the sense that Jay Z wants you to do it for your own good, which is a mixed blessing. On one hand, it’s courteous and encouraging. On the other, “Who do you think you are telling me what to do, Jay Z! Geez!”
9. Lean Back (Fat Joe feat. Terror Squad) — Never one to be out-lazied, Fat Joe does Jay Z one better, since you’d probably have to tilt your upper body a little bit one way or another to get the shoulder brush right anyway. “Lean back” sets down the bare minimum effort for conventionally bossy dance songs, but is more demanding than it sounds: it includes an implicit condemnation against other dances. Plus, it tells you to pull up your pants, which is the sort of thing I expect from my mom, not the world’s most aloof MC. NEXT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kLMKbYKpJo
8. Nod Your Head — Most sequels raise the stakes. The first Leprechaun was set in neither space nor the ‘hood. The first Muppet Movie contained nary a caper, nor the Taking of Manhattan, nor a Christmas Carol. Raising stakes is what the future is for. That an flying cars.
Will Smith’s “The Black Suits Comin’ (Nod Ya Head)” is the most dramatic lowering of the stakes in a sequel that I have ever seen (or, um, heard). “Here Come The Men in Black” had you bouncing, sliding, walking, making your neck working, freezing, all of it. The sequel has inexplicably inferior faith in its audience’s mobility.
Of course, if, like most men, you’re trying your best to stand off the side and look cool without moving too much, this song is pretty much the maximum you’re going to do, and even then you’re only going to do it with like 10% enthusiasm.
“Nod Ya Head,” is, well, what it sounds like. Simple and basic. Doesn’t require a lot of effort. Kind of unimpressive. Leaves you thinking it should be part of something bigger and better instead of standing alone. Just like a Men In Black movie.
The funniest part of the song is how worked up Will Smith gets about it, trying to compensate for the fact that he doesn’t have as much jiggy stuff for you to do by telling you to do it really loudly.
7. Stand in the line for the bathroom (N.E.R.D.) — This was almost an honorable mention. “All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom” from “Everyone Nose” isn’t a request, but it reaches out to the people who happen to be doing something at the club other than those dancing at the moment or on the verge of dancing. Not a lot of songs do that. Plus, it has the courtesy to celebrate these dancers for who they are rather than demand that they pretend they don’t care about things by raising their hands and stuff.
Pharrell and the rest of N.E.R.D. have always looked to innovate and pushed the envelope, and here they’ve found a way to tell people to do something without telling them to do it — they just find something people are already doing and reinforce it; celebrate it. I commend their vision. (And because yet more people are uptight about embedding, here’s random people lip-syncing).
6. Dance if you want to (Men Without Hats) — I like the Men Without Hats, because they give you an option. You don’t have to dance. You can dance if you want to. If you do, you’ll end up doing the Safety Dance (whatever that is) with the Men Without Hats. If you don’t, they probably aren’t going to be your friend. And that’s fine, because if you don’t want to dance, it’s a safe bet you also don’t want to be friends with 80’s new wave dance/pop groups. It’s good that they set that down, because it’s going to make sure that they get to hang out with the people who really want to hang out with them, instead of all the people who are just doing it to be nice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcOZ6xFxJqg
I also like that the Men Without Hats leave open the possibility that they’re not going to dance either. It’s not “You can dance with me, because I’ll be dancing anyway” — It’s all conditional.
“We can dance if we want to. We can leave your friends behind.”
“Sure, Men Without Hats! Sounds great!”
“On second thought, nah, I don’t really want to. Let’s keep hanging out with your friends.”
5. Stand (Sly and the Family Stone) — After listening to their stuff for a while, you definitely wouldn’t expect Sly and the Family Stone to let up on you for a minute. Nag nag nag! “Dance to the Music?” Do it your damn self. I’m the one who bought the record; you’re the one in the spandex.
But if you look past the metaphors and social commentaries and stuff, this song is refreshingly courteous. Most of the time I hear this song, I’m already standing, so it’s pretty easy to accommodate.
Note – if you hear this song while driving, do not listen to it. I got busted twice doing that; once when I pulled over and idled my engine on the exit ramp of I-95, and once when I stopped my Volvo in the fire lane outside the Route 17 Stop ‘N Shop.
4. Relax (Frankie Goes to Hollywood) — See, Frankie is my kind of guy. He keeps things simple, and he stays on message.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyl5DlrsU90
Also, apparently, he loves lasers and smoke machines, but that’s kind of besides the point.
Frankie (the band is so much amusing if you think of it as one guy) is so possessed of civility and consideration for his fellow man (that’s what it is, right?).
He anticipates that, because a dance song is playing, you’re going to feel an obligation to get all excited about it, which you and I know is the surest way to ruin a perfectly good evening of drinking beer with your buddies in a concentric arc about four feet behind a circle of gyrating women and hoping one of them accidentally bumps into you.
So, Frankie pre-empts your anxiety and gives you that order that is really no order at all. It almost makes me want to buy a T-shirt.
3. SPECIAL BONUS ROUND!!!
Keep on Doin’ What You’re Doin’ (???) —
I knew I definitely wanted to include the song with the lyrics
“Don’t stop; keep on doin’ what you’re doin’.
Gotta keep movin’.
Don’t stop; keep on doin’ what you’re doin’.
Gotta keep movin’.
But for the life of me, I can’t find anyone who knows what song this is!
So, now it’s my turn to make a demand – do you recognize this song? Show off your knowledge! Post it in the comments!
At any rate, this lyric more or less appears in a lot of songs, and to all those singers who want me to pretty much just continue with things as they are,
“Will do! Thanks for checking in!”
2. Let the Motherf—er Burn (Various, but originally recorded by Rock Master Scott and the Dynamic Three) — You’ve got to admire the lengths this classic, oft-used lyric takes to request you to do nothing. It raises the stakes of idleness to the point of possible self-immolation and insurance fraud.
Of course, I’m not a fireman, so this is something I was going to do anyway. Although, frankly, I would have called the fire department. This lyric appears in a lot of songs, but it rarely specifies whether calling the fire department or not would be acceptable, as long as they used some sort of non water-based extinguishing agent, like carbon dioxide foam or something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20wLsrEE2qc
(By the by, the Wikipedia article for “The Roof is On Fire” lists 31 other musical artists who have covered or referenced the song. That is champion-quality laziness!)
1. Let Me Clear My Throat (DJ Kool) — I don’t think there has ever been a time in my entire life when I’ve had even the impulse, let alone the desire, to stop someone from clearing his throat — maybe once in a college lecture when the professor had just eaten a bunch of Tostitos or something.
Not only that, if I wanted to stop somebody from clearing his throat, I wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to go about it. I doubt that asking would be sufficient — you know the guy would either rag on you, saying it’s involuntary or you’re crazy, or he’d just be thinking about clearing his throat more because you mentioned it, and then he’d try to do as you asked, but he’d build up the rationalization that he could get away with it just this once, and then, throat-clear city.
DJ Kool definitely wins the award for asking simply that I refrain from doing something rude and nigh-impossible that I’ve never even considered attempting. Let you clear your throat? I never would have dreamed of slowing you down! Clear away, Mr. Kool!
Talk about easy.
I’m almost tempted to freeze or make noise when he starts talking about people having real fingernails or something. But not quite.
Just watch, though, now that you’ve read this, it’s going to be like “Don’t think about Abraham Lincoln!” or “Don’t think about a pink elephant!” or “Don’t think about Abraham Lincoln riding a pink elephant!” Where you wouldn’t have done it to begin with, all of a sudden, you’re going to want to stop people around you from clearing their throats.
If that happens, please — cue up the song and do what the man says.