I’m currently trying to come up with a plot that ties in every single summer movie this year. It’s tricky – there are a LOT of summer movies.
While I’m cooking that up, here’s a similar mashup from last summer. I’m actually pretty proud of this. Maybe prouder than I should be.
CHAPTER 1
It’s Bart Simpson’s eleventh birthday, and the family is driving to New York so he can tour the offices of Mad Magazine. Along the way, the car has been followed by owls trying to drop envelopes in the windows.
On the Brooklyn Bridge, they’re attacked by witches on broomsticks. The Simpsons don’t know it, but this is a group of Death Eaters, led by Bellatrix Lestrange. Spider-man swings in to help, trapping Lestrange in a web, but he’s outnumbered and soon overpowered. Just when it seems that he and the Simpsons are doomed, a gigantic boat rises out of the Hudson River. It’s the legendary Flying Dutchman, and it fires magical cannonballs that chase the witches away. The Simpsons are taken aboard the ship, and its captain introduces himself as Jack Sparrow, Professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts.
Aboard the Dutchman, now safely underwater, Sparrow answers some questions. He explains that he’s hundreds of years old, immortal thanks to the Fountain of Youth. Apparently, a new prophesy says that in the final battle between Voldemort and Harry Potter, the winner will be decided by a first year wizard with yellow skin and spiky hair. Sparrow was sent by Dumbledore to escort Bart and his family safely to the school, before Voldemort could kill him. “I’m afraid you’ll all be living at Hogwarts for a while. Savvy?”
“Mmm,” says Homer. “Hog.”
Movies introduced in this chapter: The Simpsons, Harry Potter, Spider-Man 3, Pirates of the Caribbean
CHAPTER 2
In a Las Vegas Penthouse, Voldemort fumes. His first attempt to kill Bart Simpson has failed. But he has a Plan B.
He has set up a meeting with Danny Ocean, the legendary thief. He promises to pay Ocean and his gang 200 million dollars, if they can somehow figure out a way into the most secure building on earth: Hogwarts.
The Dutchman arrives home. As everyone disembarks, they are surprised by Spider-man swinging off the mast. He stowed away on the boat in the spirit of scientific curiosity. Dumbledore takes one look at him and turns pale, seemingly terrified of the web-slinger.
Back in New York, the mysterious events on the Brooklyn Bridge are being investigated by Detective John McClane. McClane goes to speak with Dr. Reed Richards, who is somewhat of an expert on the unusual. McClane and The Thing get off on the wrong foot, and almost come to blows. Richards interrupts, saying that he’s tracked a strange submarine to a remote region in Northern England. McClane insists on accompanying the Fantastic Four to investigate, as this is official police business.
Movies introduced in this chapter: Ocean’s Thirteen, Live Free or Die Hard, Fantastic Four 2
CHAPTER 3
At Hogwarts, Hermione Granger is going through a crisis. Apparently over the summer, she got herself knocked up in a one night stand with Seth Rogen. Ron is devastated.
Dumbledore admits a dark secret: Peter Parker was supposed to attend Hogwarts, but Dumbledore tore up his admissions letter… because Parker is his illegitimate son! That’s the true source of Spider-man’s superpowers – he’s a wizard. Parker is devestated – he swings up to a tower and refuses to come down.
Lisa develops a crush on Malfoy, who wants nothing to do with a Muggle. She’s crushed. Meanwhile, Homer befriends Hogwarts’ new chef – Remy the rat.
Danny Ocean’s gang, working from London, has been trying to figure out a way into Hogwarts, to no avail. Don Cheadle has a desperate idea – the internet has been buzzing with rumors that earth has been secretly infiltrated by powerful robots, disguised as vehicles. If these robots could be contacted, perhaps they could be hired…
Movies introduced in this chapter: Knocked Up, Ratatouille, Transformers
CHAPTER 4
John McClane and the Fantastic Four arrive in Hogsmeade (the magical town near Hogwarts) and go to the pub to plan their next move. McClane is surprised to see a familiar face singing a karaoke number in the bar: Detective James Carter (from Rush Hour). He and his partner Chief Inspector Lee have come tracking some Death Eaters that were last seen in Paris. As they argue with McClane about jurisdiction, they spot someone else they recognize: Jason Bourne, the legendary spy. Bourne explains that although he once thought a sniper’s bullet killed his girlfriend, he now believes it was Voldemort, and he knows the answers lie within Hogwarts. They are all approached by a young woman, who introduces herself as Nancy Drew. She has reason to believe a missing cat she was hired to find was actually made invisible by magical means.
Just then, the town is nearly leveled by Starscream.
Movies introduced in this chapter: Rush Hour 3, The Bourne Ultimatum, Nancy Drew
CHAPTER 5
The Decepticons, under the command of Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt), begin a brutal assault on Hogwarts. Jack Sparrow leads the defense, but it’s clear even the magic protecting the castle is no match for the Transformers. Spider-man and Ron are both depressed and emotional, and throw themselves into battle recklessly. They are saved at the last minute by Shrek and company, who have traveled from Far Far Away to defend their friends at Hogwarts from the evil robots. Megatron and the giant gingerbread man do battle, their blows shattering the windows.
The spurned Lisa and the pregnant Hermione, bitter at the world, open the Hogwarts gate and let Voldemort in, in exchange for his promise of vengeance against the men who broke their hearts. Voldemort promptly betrays them and is about to kill Bart, when he is foiled by Santa’s Little Helper… who is revealed to be Underdog.
Just then, McClane, the Fantastic Four, and the other forces of law and order arrive. They’ve survived the attack on Hogsmeade, thanks to the energy field of Sue Storm. They demand EVERYONE surrender. When no one does, they begin shooting indiscriminately.
The battle rages throughout the school. All the characters join in.
The Heroes: The Simpsons, Harry Potter, Spider-Man, Jack Sparrow, Remy, Shrek and friends, and Underdog.
The Villains: Voldemort and his Death Eaters, Danny Ocean and company, the Decepticons.
The Lawmen: John McClane, the Fantastic Four, Lee and Carter, Jason Bourne, Nancy Drew.
The fight comes to a climax when God himself (played by Morgan Freeman) submerges Hogwarts in a flood, as punishment for the wizards’ paganism. This short-circuits the Decepticons, who are, after all, robots. Everyone else survives in the Flying Dutchman. Voldemort makes one last attempt to kill Bart, but McClane shoots him with a rocket launcher.
“Yippee-kay-aye, motherfucker!” he shouts.
“Fuck yeah,” says Donkey.
Movies introduced in this chapter: Shrek the Third, Underdog, Evan Almighty
EPILOGUE
Bart is expelled from Hogwarts for nearly bringing about the Apocalypse.
Inspector Lee hooks up with Nancy Drew, and Detective Carter hooks up with Lisa Simpson, who he’s sure is at least 18.
Ron tearfully promises to help raise Hermione’s baby. Her faith in humanity is restored.
Spider-man rejects Dumbledore’s offer of a job as the Hogwarts Quidditch coach. He knows that with great power comes great responsibility, and New York needs him.
Underdog decides to move out of the Simpsons’ house and in with Spider-man, so they can team up and fight crime together. Homer adopts Remy in his place.
John McClane and The Thing have now become best friends, and resolve to meet for a weekly pickup basketball game.
Jason Bourne identifies Puss in Boots as the assassin that killed his girlfriend, and snaps the cat’s neck before disappearing mysteriously.
Everything seems back to normal… until Dumbledore notices that his priceless Phoenix has been stolen. Back in Vegas, Danny Ocean and friends celebrate another clever theft by enjoying an omlette.